What I Learned in New York (Part 1)

I could probably fill 8000 posts with all the things I learned on my very first trip to New York, but I’m going to attempt restraint and instead keep it to two whopping action packed posts filled with sucky pictures of ABC Home taken by my camera phone. What? You didn’t think I was going to walk around New Freaking York with a giant camera penis hung around my neck did you? I knew you would understand that vanity trumps veracity every time. Let’s do this.

1) New Yorkers get a bad rap, and may actually be the nicest people on earth.

I had kind of braced myself to land in Grand Asshole Station, but New Yorkers proved themselves to be unfailingly friendly, helpful and generous (if a little strangely accented, y’all). Never once did they call me out for being from Texas — in fact I met many folks who had just moved up there from Austin. And you can bet that when I win the lottery, I’m moving there, too.

2) The W at Union Square rocks.

the w union square

Part of the view from our window.

We got a screaming deal on a room, and they double upgraded us to a top floor. For nothing. Plus the location was awesome — subway to midtown, easy walk to the East Village. And sitting in Union Square at 3 am drinking a 6 pack of $14 beer (I didn’t say NY was cheap) reminded me a lot of hanging out in the town squares of Italy.

3) Oxfords. It’s a state of being. Feel it.

If you are short like me, you will get these in a fleshy color and wear them with summer dresses.

4) Speaking of shoes, Sleep No More = Heels No More

Sleep No More combines the plot of MacBeth with the style and voyeurism of Vertigo, Twin Peaks, and Eyes Wide Shut. I can’t even begin to tell you how utterly incredible this play/dance/hallucinatory experience was. If you will be anywhere near NY and can scrounge up $85 (even I could, and I am cheap), RUN to see this show. Just don’t wear heels or you will be very very sorry.

5) The Grammercy Hotel bar could have better service.

I blogged this hotel years ago, so I was pretty stoked to have a drink and ogle the art here (and the art was fantastic — current offerings include Marilyn Minter and Damien Hirst). I was not stoked to pay $50 for two drinks at a very crowded bar, but whatever. It’s New York. I was downright pissed to be told that we couldn’t sit at a table (that we were already sitting at) because we had bought our drinks at the bar two feet from the table. Don’t worry — I didn’t let it ruin my night, and that drink was totally worth $22. Wheeeeeeeee!

6) ABC Home and Carpet is where Jesus lives. And Yahweh, Allah, Buddha, Krishna, plus some other gods I am unfamiliar with.

abc home and carpet

Oh my god. ZOMG. This place is a wonderland for people like us. It’s in an amazing old building that has been in the family for over a century, and it houses 6 floors of the most incredible decor and furnishings in the universe. I went a little nutty with the pictures, so sorry in advance.

abc home and carpet

Woven nylon chairs fit for a king (or Karly).

abc home and carpet

Their displays are hard to photograph, but they make Anthropologie look like a bunch of no account suckers.

abc home

Wood wood wood. Say it with me!

Hard to see, but these rugs were textured — parts were burn out, part were unshaven wool. Amazing.

aluminum foil bench

A bench made from recycled metallic plastic. Genius!

abc home mid century

For all your mid mod lovers. The prices were ASTRONOMICAL.

abc home

Did I mention the displays? This was on the “Economical” floor. Hahahahaahha!

sarfatti

Ok, so this place was filled with the most amazing lighting — Ponti, Venini, Vistosi, Sciolari (lots of Italians up in here), but that Sarfatti chandelier was like the bitch that walks in and steals all the guys. All the other chandeliers hate her.

abc home bestiality

And here my camera phone failed miserably to record the spectacularless of this spectacle. Namely, a whole lot of bestiality is going down on the kid’s floor. Those animals were all up in each other’s business. I don’t know, people. Seeing this changed me. Maybe not for the better.

7) ABC Home and Carpet is also where Satan lives.

abc home english overload

Owww, my eyes! It burns!

Ok, friends, that’s it for today’s tour of my tour of New York City. I think we can agree that this post will be long enough to tide you over until Monday, when I shall return with Part Deux of my trip. We will cover the Met, clubbin,’ NYisms, and some sad stuff.

Until then, I will be enjoying a little staycay with my Hunny and the kidlet. Have a great weekend!