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I Just Got the Best Present Ever

Yes — the best present ever, because when I opened the link Raina sent me I almost stroked out from the insanity of it all.

I love art, I love houses, and when the two get together and do the horizontal mambo, they make beautiful, very expensive babies. Just how expensive?  Well, if you sold every organ in your body on the black market, you still couldn’t afford any of the art in this house (plus you’d be dead).

I mean, you know you’re rich when Warhol’s rorschach paintings don’t even rate a mention in the listed “pieces of note.” And that’s just the office.

Or maybe the author simply tired of referencing Warhol 8,567 times, since the home of fabulously wealthy psychiatrist Samantha Boardman and her real estate mogul husband Aby Rosen has more Warhol pieces in it than a museum.

Apparently they are also nonplussed by the proximity of so much fragile cash to two tiny toddlers. According to Boardman, “We have taught the kids how to live with [art]  and how to learn from it, but we have also taught them how to respect it.” That’s code for: the nannies steer them around it. Because even the best kid will wait until you turn your back and then drive their Big Wheels into a temptingly towering stack of cardboard boxes… by Andy Warhol.

Still, you have to give the Boardman-Rosens respect for using their superrich powers for good and not evil. They probably could have single handedly bailed out Goldman Sachs, but instead they bought art. Really good art. Francis Bacon is perhaps my favorite painter in the whole universe, and that Damien Hirst sculpture ain’t shabby, either. But that’s not to say that I would have made exactly the same curatorial choices if I were obscenely wealthy.

William de Kooning + Richard Prince = Yes. The table is gorgeous, too, but that terrarium-as-art thingie confuses me.

Cy Twombly = hell to the yes, but Jeff Koons will never be my favorite artist. I know it’s conceptual and all, but it still looks like they decided to hang the kids’ pool toy next to one of the greatest painters of all time. The rug, however, gets my seal of approval (as if they need it).

Taxidermy may be out, but Maurizio Cattelan is the original gangsta. Props.

Check out the rest of the Vogue sildeshow, where you will learn that the kids are adorable but perhaps a wee bit spoiled (not judging — I’d happily move into their life), the library is a hot mess (judging), and outdoor space is at a premium in NYC even for the uber wealthy.

Thanks again to Raina at If the Lampshade Fits for the tip!

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10 Random and Totally Subjective Truths I Hold About Art and Design

The fabulous Sherri over at The Claw tagged me for a little show and tell game of truth or… truth. Phew! I really don’t do dares. Anyhoo, I decided to make it design related, since you don’t really want to know all about the first time I kissed a boy, about the time that I wrecked the family van before I even had a license, or about how I was a super nerd in high school, down to my rabid fascination with the Academic Decathlon and other such socially alienating activities. Boooooring! So here goes nothing…

#1. Money is Wasted On the Rich

silver cross gold pram

So, I’m having a baby, and one of the biggest initial expenses is a stupid stroller. It’s like buying a mini car for your precious. Now, I caved and bought a totally pedestrian Maclaren, but what I should have gotten is this 24 carat gold plated pram by Silver Cross for a mere $12,000. Of course, for that price I would expect a full sized car, but hey — it does have a sound system and satin interior. As an added bonus, it looks like a very stylish coffin, which is exactly what you’d like to imagine your baby in, right?

#2. Maurizio Cattelan is vying with Damien Hirst for the Overstuffed Award

venice museum

I’m not sure why, but I have seen Cattelan’s taxidermied, suspended horses in person at multiple galleries and museums. Maybe a giant, hanging horse is just really hard to forget? I don’t know, but this headless version seen in Venice’s newly opened Punta della Dogana Museum has been haunting my dreams.

#3. Flowers Are Gross

if the lampshade fits

I know this will be a controversial statement, but I think flowers are best left outdoors. I stole this case-in-point image from La Lampshade, because Raina has a knack for eviscerating cluelessly tacky rooms. That hideous purple floral arrangement in the wrong color, shape and scale, for this room is just icing on the already ugly cake.

#4. Plants Are Not Gross

nate berkus

Plants are like the groovier, less fussy sister to the flower. They still bring some green, recycle carbon dioxide, and fill space — just like flowers. However, they do it architecturally instead of decoratively. I’m waiting for someone to call me out on this, but it’s my truth — so take that.

#5. Gold and Chrome Go Together Like Rama Lama Lama Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong

nate berkus

nate berkus

These images are double dipped from the same Nate Berkus designed abode as above (in case you couldn’t tell), and I would be totally comfortable scooping all of the furniture out, and inserting it into my own home. I love gold, and I love chrome. Never shall I be forced to choose between the two. Amen. Oh, and btw, if you live near Austin, those Pace chairs are available on Craigslist right here. That brings me to my next truth…

#6. Vintage Rules

craigslist

I would estimate that 90% of my furnishings are recycled via Craigslist, thrift stores, Ebay, or some other outlet for used stuff. Who has the money to buy quality new furniture in this economy? Plus I just like a lot of the older designs mo’ better. I am currently eying this brass clad footlocker trunk on Craigslist for $28. Wouldn’t it make the most stylin’ toy chest, ever? But if you call up the seller and tell him that it bears more than a passing resemblance to a Sarreid piece, I will hunt you down and cut you.

#7. Cheap and Cool Lampshades Are as Rare as Three Legged Unicorns

gambrel

This is a nice room (except for the puny flowers) from Steven Gambrel, but there’s nothing particularly standout about it. The couch, rug, other furnishings could have come from West Elm, or maybe even Target. So why is it crazy damn hard to buy a lampshade like that for a reasonable price at a big box store? You would think drum shades were all spun from Rapunzel’s hair due to their cost and rarity. Ikea, where are you when I need you?

#8. Art Makes a Room

art

And if you’re really rich, art makes your room into a museum. While us mere mortals are left to shop at Etsy and local art sales for our masterpieces, the elite collect Franz Kline paintings and Giacometti sculptures. But it’s a good thing homeboy has money enough to buy the big names, because the rest of this 8,000 sq ft space is blah x snooze.

#9. Design Often Requires Stupid Compromises

yatzer

Sigh. Living with another person means you already have one too many cooks spoiling the brew. For example, I told Hunny Bunny that we should totally gild all of our ceilings in brass tile like this Istanbul home. Can you believe that he said NO? He did point out that our 1980s faux wood ceiling fans would look a bit out of place next to the golden goodness of that tile, but I truly felt that was but a minor hurdle to be crossed in the vague future of “someday.”

#10. Beethoven Is the New Black

beethovens

Good pal that she is, Karly sent me this link because I bought a Beethoven bust at the Salvation Army and have been painting and repainting him ever since. First he was lame-o white, then I painted him turquoise (which was very cool, but too much for his setting), then he morphed into a bacterial blight of blue and white blotchiness before finally settling into a glossy black. I love my handsome black Beethoven, but in the right space he would also kick ass in sparkly gold, or work some magic in rainbow paint drips. He’s just so versatile!

Well kids, that’s it for all about me day. If you’d like to get lazer tagged to play this game, leave me a comment and I’ll update the post. Holla!

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