Because I’m already tired of 2011 (it’s not too early, is it?) and find myself yearning for a vacay, I keep lying in bed at night dreaming of this hot and sexy hotel:
The House Hotel in Istanbul is the kind of hotel you bring to meet mama. Sophisticated, well mannered, and clean behind the ears — I think he’s a keeper.
But what if I just have my vacation goggles on? I’ve dated hotels before only to find dirty little secrets, like rock hard uh, mattresses pressing into my back… that’s just nasty.
Maybe you could be my super supportive bff and help me size THH up? You can? Great!
Me: ZOMG look at those FLOORS! And the moldings! THH has the bones of a god, right?
You: Totes, but that couch looks really uncomfortable. Maybe THH needs a lil meat to squeeze on them bones. At least he isn’t afraid to watch 30 Rock reruns with you at 2 am. Bonus.
Me: What exactly does he expect me to do with that? It’s so… small. And a stool? At a work desk? Who does that! It’s almost like he doesn’t expect me to use it at all.
You: I don’t think he does. That bed is totally giving you the look.
Me: Ohhhhh! I get it! But what if I’m not ready to go to there yet? I mean, I’m easy but not sleazy. Do you think he’d be cool if we just kicked it for a while and got to know each other? I’m so not looking for a one night stand…
You: Well, it obviously looks like he can play it casual, but I just don’t know if he’s relationship material. Maybe some bitch broke his heart in the past? Because he totally has his guard up. Who knows? You could be the girl to break past his strategically placed defenses.
Me: Ok, so maybe he’s a little rough around the edges, but I kind of like that. And you have to admit he’s pretty dang dreamy…
You: I admit it.
Me: Oh… wait.
You: I knew it. Total player. Douche. Like, literally.
Me: Oh… wow. No.
So, I guess I really know how to pick them. I’m glad you helped me avoid certain disaster, but now I need a new love to obsess over.
Has anyone created chat roulette for hotels yet? No?
I am about to make a sweet fortune.
Then I can have any hotel I want.
Bam! Problem solved.