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Sexy Skeleton

Close your eyes and imagine… no wait, close your eyes just enough so you can still read this.. and imagine you are the CEO of a company that manufactures and produces X-Ray machines.  Fun, right?  Now imagine that the holidays have rolled around and it’s time to wow your medical clients with a gift that says “thanks for buying 18 million dollars worth of x-ray machines for your hospitals.”  You can’t just send a fruit basket.

Enter Japanese X-Ray Machine manufacturer, EIZO.  Along with their advertising agency,  Butter, EIZO created this x-ray pinup calendar to, um, spread some holiday cheer.  Ms June is shown above.

Ms. August

Ms. September

Ms. November

For the full calendar, click HERE

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Holiday Gift Guide: Under a Billion

For the last few days Erin and I have been pounding the interweb pavement bringing you the best holiday gifts chump change can buy; but we know what you’re really here for:  our billion dollar round up.  We spent lots of time finding the world’s most exclusive items, Lucite Chanel Briefcases, Diamond Studded Fixed Gear Bikes, $320,000 prize cows, the list goes on.  But we realized, you know, if someone is going to drop a billion skrillas on their beloved, why not go with a gift that says “I think you’re awesome and I want the whole world to know.  Forever.”

That’s why we here at Design Crisis Headquarters are proud to offer the world’s Most Exclusive, Most Expensive Holiday Gift Ever (fact).

For 1 billion dollars cash, you may purchase a life-long ad on design-crisis.com.  That’s right!  Erin and I will continue blogging for the rest of our natural born lives in order to ensure that the whole world knows your BFF is totally awesome.  Want to promote her business?  Great!  Want to show a picture of her holding a baby kitten?  No Problem!  Whatever it is you want to share with the planet, this is your chance!  Act now, this special holiday offering won’t last long.  After December 25th Design Crisis ad opportunities will revert to measly civilian rates with laughable 30-day contracts. To reserve your eternal ad on Design Crisis, contact us at hollaback@design-crisis.com today!

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Holiday Gift Guide: Under $500

Ho Ho Ho, we’re climbing the gift guide charts here at DC headquarters:  today we’ve made it to the under $500 category.  I’m hoping and preying that any of you taking notes have me on your list.  I mean, those $25 gifts were nice, but don’t you really want to show me how much you care?  As Erin says, recession-schmession.  At least, I think she’s said that.

You know I love gold.  and black.  and gold and black together.  So, basically, I’ll be happy when you hand me any of these:

Love / Hate Convertible Chain Shades, $252

Suspiciously similar to D & G DXG Camcorder, $150

Lowrider Headphones, $128 (keeping my fingers crossed that you can find them in black.  or just all gold.  yes, all gold sounds good)

Loop Candelabra, $123  (I’ve been dreaming of owning one of these ever since Erin did This post)

Right out of my personal wish list: Pantone Color Bridge Set, $119

Ceramic Bubbles Candle Holder by Jaime Hayon, 387….. Euros (whont, whont)

Life Size Grazing Sheep, $448  (totally, completely, 100% worth the price) (seriously)

Equus Pedestal Bowl, $450  I wanted it for my table last year and, yes, I want it for my table again this year.

Humbert Throw by Missoni Home, $375

Park Planters, $100  You really should go to their site to check these out… most of the sculptures depict things you don’t want to see in the park.  Think George Michael.  Got it?

Copenhagen Terrariums, $145 – $195  Perhaps these come with a handy guide explaining how to keep plants alive inside a sealed container unlike my vintage terrarium with, ahem, dead plants nestled under the plastic.

Braided Mixed Metal Chain Necklace, $120

Paper Cut art, $300

So there you go.  500 gifts for 500 dollars.  I mean, a few gifts for 500 dollars.  Whateves.  It really doesn’t even matter at this point since tomorrow I’ll be bringing you the ultimate, most mind blowing Christmas gift of your scene loving life.  Buckle Up.

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Holiday Gift Guide: Under $50

OMG it is day two of our holiday gift guide extravaganza not to be missed by young and old alike (working title).  I have to admit: all this web shopping has, as my grandfather would have said, taken the starch right out of me.  What does that even mean?  I always assumed it had something to do with carbs giving you fuel, but I really don’t even know.  What I do know is this:  1.  I’m rambling 2. I’m tired (see #1) and 3. I’ve got the best damn gifts $50 can buy listed on this mofo right here today.

my-oh-my what do we have here?

Clockwise from upper left:

Swine Flu Hanky, $28

Inside My Head Vase, $39

Sinking Ship Candle Holder, $39 (welcome on my table anytime)

S-XL cake dish, $36 (also welcome anytime… don’t you just love the shapes it makes!!!???)

Trio Herb Pot, $48

For the techy… and some other random people:

wall mountable phone / pda charging system, $30

USB Greenhouse, $43 (yes, this terrarium is charged by your computer.  get one.)

Cable Tie, $30

Moss Clear Resin Ring, $40

Flying Sofa Brooch, $40

For your littlest gift recipient:

Young Mad Scientist’s First Alphabet, $40

Ok, I know I’ve been silent sam up until this point, but we really need to talk about the alphabet set.  It’s insane.  Here’s a description from the site:

These lovely blocks contain many carefully engraved illustrations of the equipment, training, and activities that a budding mad scientist will require, combined with a clever alphabetic introduction to the concept depicted.

Each block measures 1 3/8 inches square and depicts six mad science concepts and the appropriate letters. The set includes all 26 letters of the alphabet on five blocks (six illustrations per block).

And here’s a listing of the images that accompany the letters:

A – Appendages, B – Bioengineering, C – Caffeine, D – Dirigible, E – Experiment, F – Freeze ray, G – Goggles, H – Henchmen, I – Invention, J – Jargon, K – Potassium, L – Laser, M – Maniacal, N – Nanotechnology, O – Organs, P – Peasants (with Pitchforks), Q – Quantum physics, R – Robot, S – Self-experimentation, T – Tentacles, U – Underground Lair, V – Virus, W – Wrench, X – X-Ray, Y – You, the Mad Scientist of Tomorrow, Z – Zombies

Recycled Socktopus, $30

Foxy Hip Hop Tee, $18 (ok, it’s waaay under $50, just buy two or something)

Plug In Figures, $28

For the blank-walled-friend on your list, might I suggest a gift from 20×200?  Here are 2 of my favorite $50 prints still available:

(left) Nonsensical Infographic No. 1, $50  (I’m mildly obsessed with this one)

(right) Residential Web, $50

And a few choice accessories for your bff or gff or whateverff

embroidered geometryart necklace, $50

scale necklace, $48

world links necklace, $60 (so we’re a little over, just use the left-over cash from the t-shirt I posted, ok?)

maximum fringe necklace, $59 (totally worth the extra $9)

And if you dudes are just biting your nails trying to decide what to get Erin, let me tell you, she’s got one thing and one thing only on her list:  Mortimer Bust Candle, $30.  Erin is worth $30, right?

Were these gifts just not rich enough for your blood?  No worries, Erin will be back tomorrow with gifts under $100 and I’ll be back on Thursday with my personal Christmas list gifts under $500; Friday we’ll have a super secret surprise guide, so, check that out too.

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Holiday Gift Guide: Oil Baron Edition

Yo Yo Yo wassup big money?! Holla! We here at Design Crisis Head Quarters are big pimpin with our end of the week million dollar gift guide riz-ound up.  We’ve weeded out the bad (no swarovski, diamond or gold plated bling) and the impractical (who gives a couch for Christmas?) to bring you the bestest gifts 1,000,000 skrillas can buy.

My first stop on the extravaganza was First Dibs, the purveyors of eye-popping price tags, I thought for sure they could deliver a few pricey trinkets:

I have to say, I was a little disappointed.  Not only did I go under my budget by a long shot, but those kooks wanted me to buy a $3,900 ribbed bucket.  Bitch Please.

First Dibs also tried to tickle my gift-giving fancy with a 19th century Vietnamese Emperor Bust for $5,714, an Italian Bronze Bust of Senneca for $3,500 (those eyes are tempting), and a Pedro Friedeberg Sculpture of a Caged Saint for $16,500.  That’s Chump Change.

We need to go BIGGER!  More GRAND-E-OSE.  A little birdy told me that Nordtrom was trying to peddle a few exclusive gift packages in the roaring face of our bear economy:

For $50,000 Sam Jones will shoot your family portrait (right) or for $200,000 Ruben Toledo will paint a 12″ x 24″ custom portrait of whateverthehellyouwant.

Norstrom was getting the idea, but the gesture still wasn’t sweeping me off my feet.  Plus, I had all this extra cash to burn.

Then I thought, you know, the best gift of all is time with your family.  Alone.  On a private resort.  Owned by Sir Richard Branson:

For a cool $329,000 Necker Island is all yours for a week-long stay.  Did I just hear someone yell Keg Stand?  Oh, you dudes are classy!

But, then again, why give your pal a week on an island when you can just buy them their own private isle?

Private Islands Online  lists several suitable private islands for our gift-giving pleasure.  The above, Dolphin Jump Key is a sprawling half-acre smack dab off the cost of Florida listed at $995,000.  

If your Christmas Dreams are more home bound, perhaps you could consider bringing the adventure to your friend:

For $100,000 Michael Phelps will come swim a few laps at your holiday pool party.  I bet a few extra dollars gets wifey’s hand on his perfectly-sculpted abs.  If you want more BANG!  More PIZAZZ!  Consider shelling out an even mil for the Purple Pop Icon to sing your friend’s favorite carols.  The gift may only last a few minutes, but the memories will last a lifetime.

Now that we’ve got the wheels turning on a couple of grown-up gifts, let’s think about little junior.  If you don’t give him the most AMAZING, UNATTAINABLE, BADASS gift around, when he gets older he will probably turn to drugs and spend his inheritance on prostitutes.  Better get him one of these:

Levitating Hover Scooter.  Yes!  Like In Back To The Future!  At only $16,999.95 you can even afford to get him an orange vest and a wacky scientist best friend!  If you’re the kind of parent that’s worried about “injuries” or “law suits” consider this stay-at-home, well cushioned 3-D motion simulator from F.A.O. Schwarz.  For $300,000 your kids can move around, just like in a real car!

And for little sally, skip the pony this year.  With all that cash laying around, you’re really going to want to trump all the other parents on the block.  I suggest this:

For $138,000 this sweet little white lion cub could tear it’s way into little Sally’s heart. 

Now that the immediate family is taken care of, it’s time to check everyone else off our list.  Have an outdoorsy uncle?  I have the perfect gift for him:

Grab him the word’s largest uncut quartz rock for $100,000.  Then he can do all his rock climbing from the comfort of his own home without having to worry about such disrupting things as dirt, bugs and peeing outdoors.

If your uncle still insists on making his way to the wilderness, he should do it in Pamala Anderson’s Love Stream, originally gifted to her by Hugh Hefner (see!  great gift!) 

Up for auction (right now!!) is this lovely retrofitted trailer once owned by the Bay Watch Babe herself.  While the price tag is unknown, I’m hoping, praying that you’ll have enough leftover to hire a very professional cleaning crew.

For the culinary connoisseur let me suggest the world’s largest truffle:

For $200,000 you can give a 2 pound tuber to your bestest friend.   Oh, just imagine the look on her face when she opens the box, it’s going to be glorious!

I know this is running long, but, what do you expect, it’s million dollar day and this here post is super-sized.  Let’s go ahead and round up just a couple more things before I bid you adieu to finish your workday:

Want your pals to witness democracy in action?  No problem, for $62,500 and the capacity to sit through grid-lock traffic, you can buy 2 seats to the Obama inauguration.  Of course, I doubt it will be that crowded, so they could probably just show up.  ha.  right.

For your nephew with bright light / big city dreams, how about dropping $750,000 for the opportunity to audition to be the next james bond? 

Just like p.diddy or puff daddy or p’dad, or whatever he calls himself these days, little kenny can have his own audition reel shot, edited and submitted to the powers that be for his chance at the big time.

And finally, you might be thinking that the best gift you could give would be a giant suitcase full of cash.  Wrong.  You need to make it more fun.  Let me make one last suggestion:

How about one million chances to win one million dollars?  That’s right!  For only $1,000,000 your friends could have hours of endless entertainment filled with the excitement and rush of adrenaline that only comes from rubbing the edge of a quarter against the sweet silky silvery side of a scratch-off.  And, who knows, they may even win a few grand!

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