Sofas Of Our Lives (SOOL)

Like sands through the hourglass, bitches! It wasn’t easy, but I have finally finally finally taken some new pictures of my house so you can watch the drama unfold. Now, this is primarily a tale of conflicting couches, but stay tuned for side plots involving angled walls, terrible tv and stereo equipment, annoying door situations, and the obligatory regrets, excuses and fantasies.

Exposition:

Today’s episode is set in a quirky 60s ranch house with issues — like a crazy angled rock fireplace, a weird recess in the back wall, a wall-way, and a ridiculous door that opens into the room. Click le pic for a larger image.

The Players:

Hailing from Ethan Allen via craigslist, navy blue chesterfield sofa is petite yet all enveloping, soft yet remarkably supportive. Sexy as though she may be, the vagaries of time have not been kind to her (in other words, my cat scratched the crap out of her backside), and she’s feeling abused, neglected, beaten down. Let’s just say her name is Krystle.

Lean, powerful, and expensive, tan couch set hails from Elite Leather via ebay. 100% aniline, he don’t mess around with frou frou binders or chemicals, preferring instead to flash his scars and wrinkles like the badges of patinaed wisdom they are. He may be a tough, no nonsense kind of a guy, but he also knows how to make sweet sweet love to your body. We will call him Blake.

The Interloper:

Blake and Krystle have always had an uneasy relationship. Who ever thought that navy and tan could be happy in a black and gray world, anyway? But through years of proximity (and counseling with a similarly hued rug), they’ve learned to make it work. Until she came along.

Could this skinny slut be anyone other than Alexis, the cougar of couches? 70s rosewood casing with (not so) virgin wool upholstery, Alexis is compact and calculating. Even though I knew Blake and Krystle — while not an eternal match — were at least reasonably happy together, I let Alexis sing her sweet siren craigslist song to me. Basically, she said, “I’m cheap! I’m easy! And I’m sexy as hell!”

And she was. All of these things. But she scraps like a hyena with both Blake and Krystle, plus she’s a rock hard bitch. So to the office she went. Well, at least the office is looking better.

The story should probably end here, with a tenuous but palpable equilibrium. But there is always conflict brewing on the backburner…

Side Plots:

Technology, with its innumerable wires and hideous shiny blackness, is the bane of my existence. Also, my inability to replace those chairs with small cabinets housing the speakers is driving me to distraction. This is an endless source of real life conflict between me and The Hunny, who is seemingly bound by a testosterone oath not to crapoflage his ugly stereo equipment.

Then there is the door of hell that prevents sofa seating against this wall — the wall that faces the tv. Good planning!

This is the best furniture configuration yet. We have tried every possible permutation, and here it is. I should be happy. There are starving children in China. Not happy. Never happy. Want new couch. Want new house with no weird floorplan issues. Want to stop wanting things. So, SOOL lovers — tell me what’s next. What happens in the next episode of the drama? Do Blake and Krystle get broken up or do they kiss and make up? Does Alexis the sexy 70s set get sold to a dealer for a buttload of cash? Do I reconfigure the seating yet again??? Nevermind, I am way too damn tired for that.

Do I buy this sofa off craigslist for 50% of the retail price, thereby turning my living room into a satellite of Karly’s house, since she has the exact same couch? I am 99.9% sure this is a bad idea for many many many reasons, but I like to hold craigslist bargains in my mind like a pebble and rub them constantly.

As if you didn’t already know that the real drama was me.