Magic Makeover

Here at Design Crisis we strive to bring you hard hitting, sensible design information — like where to buy a three headed sheep chair, letting you know that you need a super expensive gold plated baby buggy, and providing you with all the best tips for updating your spacepod in 2055. Well this week, between downing 200 brownies and watching Kid N Play deliver Oscar worthy performances in House Party 2 (The Pajama Jam!), I’ve really been too busy to suss out any practical decor tips for you guys. I know you don’t want to get in the way of my freakishly hip lifestyle, so I’ve obliged by doing pretty much nothing. Ok, I did watch one of my fave movies of all time:

labyrinth david bowie

That’s right, bitches! David Bowie as Jareth the goblin king in Labyrinth is here today, and he’s got something to show you.

labyrinth david bowie crotch

Whoops! Not that — although if you’ve seen the movie, you can’t have helped but notice that those pants tights are mighty snug. This could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you feel about Bowie in drag.

labyrinth david bowie

That’s more like it! A very well heeled David Bowie would like you to step into his cozy castle. What’s that? Not feeling the warmth so much?

labyrinth david bowie

Neither is Jennifer Connelly. I mean, it’s really swell that DB threw this awesome ball to convince her to be his goblin queen, and he gave her a shiny stay puft dress to dance in, and they both have special hair with glitter and colors and lots and lots of hairspray, but does he really think it’s going to make up for this?

labyrinth david bowie

Look at this room! Perhaps magic spells are made of snips and snails and puppy dog tails, but that doesn’t mean you want them in your house. It’s really no place to raise baby Toby, and I also think DB may be sitting in that ugly Eileen Grey chair, and nobody wants that.

What he needs is a makeover, and I think Nate Berkus — despite mad love from me and Oprah and legions of confused women who hope and pray that he may someday “go straight” — is really too polite for the task. David Bowie is the mothereffing goblin king, yo, and he needs something that says, Yes, I may be the goblin king, but I am also king of the house. He needs Kelly Wearstler. WWWD?

sofa de sede

First, she would choose a couch big enough for DB to hang with his goblin homies, but also soft so he could cozy up with his lady. Oh, and a dark color with an easy wipe surface would help mask the bog of stench. The De Sede Endless sofa would do the trick.

paul evans

Next up, this Paul Evans Cityscape coffee table would add shine to the darkness, plus the glass surface is perfect for snorting up some Ziggy Stardust. Oops, wrong Bowie… or maybe not. It’s ok, dude. Whatever happens in the castle, stays in the castle.

gio ponti

You know La Wearstler loves her some Gio Ponti, so this chandelier would reign supreme over the room. It says, I am soft, but hungry. Stay out of reach of my beautiful tentacles.

1st dibs

The playas are chosen, so time for some filler pieces: A big gold head (duh), a pair of Karl Springer Onassis chairs, a brass Arredoluce floor lamp, and a Milo Baughman burlwood, chrome and brass console table.

All that’s left is a stellar piece of art:

malevich

MC Escher is a bit too easy, but Malevich is perfectly hard enough to finish out the space.

And now, who’s got the power of the voodoo? Who do? You do!

labyrinth redecorated

Well, I think the Kelly Wearstlerfication of the goblin castle went swimmingly, and Jennifer Connelly would be just silly to turn down DB’s proposal. Next time I see those two crazy kids, I fully expect for them to be together, cozied up on the Endless Sofa with Toby.

I just love happy endings.