Carpet Puncher

Is there anything less appealing than sculpted, 30 year old carpet in mottled shades of hamster hair brown and band aid beige? True, the latest house for sale that The Hunny and I toured was not as spectacular a fail as the house with a tree growing through the middle of the kitchen, but it had its own share of disgusting idiosyncrasies. Carpet, carpet everywhere — in the living areas, the hallways, the bedrooms, even the bathrooms (shudder). As I walked from room to room I felt the gentle crunch underfoot of 30 years worth of dirt, skin and dog hair, and even though I could see past the home’s prairie wallpaper, its frilly curtains, cheap plywood cabinets, even its popcorn ceilings, the carpet raised my hackles and left me with a scratchy, hairball feeling in the back of my throat. I wanted to rip that shit out in a rage and punch it in its face.

ugly house

Doesn’t this carpet look like dog farts?

Sadly, we are not highrollers. But we want a big house in a good neighborhood with a huge, wooded yard. For cheap. So we’re probably going to have to fix up whatever we buy, and flooring will most likely top the list. Although we’re passing on the farty carpet house, it did get me to thinking: what if we did buy it and renovate? What would we replace 2500 sq ft of carpet with? Hardwoods are expensive, but to me they’re worth putting in living areas. But what about the bedrooms?

What about… carpet?

sisal carpet

This isn’t so bad, is it?

sisal carpet

Not my favorite bedroom in the world, but I don’t hate the sisal at all.

sisal carpet

And it’s not like I couldn’t layer other rugs over it. Ok, maybe not the zebra…

sisal carpet

But this doesn’t make me angry (just pretend the sisal runs wall to wall — you can do it, mental giants). And carpet would be cheaper than wood, right? Well, probably not the carpet I would want…

kelly wearstler

I would not kick Kelly Wearstler’s carpet out of my bedroom.

kelly wearstler

Or could you imagine having something like this running wall to wall in your bedroom? Kelly Wearstler’s guest house makes me want to swathe everything in neutral patterns.

mary macdonald

If you really had vision (and money to burn), you could even go super bold, like the wall to wall carpet in this Mary MacDonald room.

carpet

Hey, did I malign sculpted carpet earlier? Perhaps it’s not so bad after all.

So, what do y’all think about carpet? Could it ever look modern? How about in a super nice sculpted berber or a sisal? Does anyone out there have fancy carpet? Did it cost 500 zillion dollars?

Am I crazy for even thinking about this?