Now that we’ve invested huge amounts of time and money into renovating our kitchen, landscaping the yard, and decorating the house, I’ve decided it may be time to move, which makes total sense to all you design junkies, right? So this weekend, Hunny Bunny, the baby, Karly and I, solicited the help of our realtor friend Kurt to look at a house in one of the most amazing neighborhoods in Austin — Travis Heights. Oh, Travis Heights, how I love thee! When we drove into the hood, I thought about living within walking distance of the shops at South Congress, and I looked at families pushing strollers down tree lined streets with a misty sense that this could be our new life.
And how cute is this 1930s house? With a little paint and some new plants, it could be killer. Plus, did I mention that the neighborhood rocks, and the lot is STUNNING.
Yep, that’s your own personal creek running through a little patch of wilderness, 5 minutes from downtown, 5 seconds from South Congress. Insane, is what that is. And astonishingly, it’s (barely) within our budget. Hmmm.
As we pulled into the carport, Karly started her “Unh, uh” routine. Ok, so the backside of the house was a little ramshackle… The picture above captures about 1/3 of the length of the house. The carport was caving in, there appeared to be a strange 1980s addition tacked onto the back, there were about 500 doors opening to various outdoor areas, and the landscaping was a bit odd, but still workable. What can you expect at such a bargain basement price? And then we walked inside.
Is this part of an old garage? What’s up with the “stairs” to nowhere? How come that doorway appears to be mounted upside down on the wall??? Why oh why does it smell like death in here…?
Ben held the baby into the mystery opening to get a closer look, and Ike — who heretofore was perfectly placid — started screaming BLOODY MURDER, which is obviously what took place in this room vampire cave. Now, normally I’d go spelunking to check out the “vintage” furniture in there, but I figured Ike knew something I didn’t. Obviously, he sees dead people. After that, things got hazy. Karly declared the house was “haunted as shit,” and decided to take Ike outside to calm him down, but I was not to be deterred from a bargain by a few measly poltergeists.
We pressed on to the 80s wing, which featured lovely wall to wall carpet in red — to hide the bloodstains, naturally. Sadly, I didn’t get a picture of the leg breaking spiral staircase straight out of Vertical Limit, or the disgusting bathrooms, but truly, these things were only pedestrian gross. You’ve seen them before. But I bet you’ve never seen this:
I’m just going to give you a second to reflect on the situation.
There is a TREE in the middle of the house — in the kitchen, for goodness sake, which is somehow even more offensive. And lest a tiny part of you think that it might be cool to have a tree in your kitchen, remember the other rooms. Whoever built this patchwork piece of shit house built it out of plywood, cardboard and duct tape. The roof leaked all around the hole where the tree is, and a foundation was laid over the tree roots. Not good planning.
Plus it looks like sandworms from Beetlejuice are attacking the exterior of the home, and nobody wants that.
Here’s another shot from the other side. DO NOT be fooled by my pretty picture. Imagine filth, crappy construction, and cheap materials everywhere. It is completely uninhabitable, and I have a VERY high tolerance for fixer uppers. Somehow I neglected to get pictures of the random door that opens onto an unstable, unfenced roof (dangerous, much?), or the creepy door to yet another pit of hell under the house that looks to be the spot where Buffalo Bill held his victims in Silence of the Lambs. The only thing that will save this house is a bulldozer.
And it’s sad, you know? The original house was probably 1000 square feet, with period hardwoods and built ins, and it was tiny and cute. Then some morons decided they should add on 2000 square feet of crappy disconnected boxes, with absolutely no floorplan in mind, and they ruined it. Plus there are the dead bodies. I know they’re in there somewhere — Ike saw them.
Oh, and when we left, Ben backed into a stupid, random brick mailbox that had fallen and was laying in the driveway. Our bumper is totally dented in, and now we have to hire a man that actually goes by the name of “Crackhead” to pull the dent out.
But, guess what? I was never so happy to pull into our driveway and walk into our own nice, remodeled house. So, stay tuned for my dining room makeover on Wednesday. I figure that — relative to this gem — it’s gotta look amazing.
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UPDATE!
Kurt sent me the pictures he took that day:
Just a lil group shot. You can totally tell Ike is screaming his head off. Also, Karly is too tall to live in this hobbit house.
I have also been informed that “Kentucky” will be fixing our bumper instead of “Crackhead.” Good to know.
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oh my god. what more can one say? i am glad ya’ll made it out alive. i am also glad i didn’t read this before bed b/c i don’t know if i would have been able to sleep. ♥
Wow.
Just … wow.
There has to be some sort of show about the absolute worst house in America that you can nominate that monstrosity for.
There has to be some sort of show about the absolute worst house in America that you can nominate that monstrosity for.
I have so many questions…how many days has it been on the market? Asking price? How many price reductions have they gone through? The original owner must have died, right? I imagine that the person who built it was a quirky sort who embodied the “Keep Austin Weird” idea and LOVED the house and it’s freakishness. It must be on the market “as is” since no home inspector in their right mind would even continue an inspection upon seeing the tree. I’m sure the neighbors have all sorts of stories to go with that little gem.
Thank you for this awesome start to my Monday morning!
“The carport just fell off.”
wait. wha? This seriously happened?
How on earth is a tree in the middle of the house to code? AND furthermore, which realtor shows you a house like that with a straight face? wow.
Hello, Extreme Home Makeover? Wow. This brings the term ‘bringing nature indoors’ to a whole nutha level. WTF!?
Hi Sara! It’s so nice to see you here!
Court, YES. It seriously happened! The realtor is our friend, and he was just as perplexed as we were. No way did he have a straight face.
Jeannine, it’s been on the market for over 200 days (clue #1 that something must be terribly wrong with it), it’s priced WAY below what it should be worth, the owners are alive but “live” in another town, and I definitely think it could win worst house in America! The funny thing is that the listing makes NO MENTION of any of the home’s problems!!! It totally talks it up like it’s awesome and amazing. HA!
Raina, *snicker*
Andrea, make sure you add this one to your list of homes to show…
I may be the only one who has seen the movie the Guardian (it’s basically a supernatural knock off of The Hand that Rocks the Cradle), but it deals with a creepy druid woman/nanny who is really, really into a her tree lover (if you get my drift). Oh, she also has an owl best friend.
Up until now, I thought it was just a made-up movie. Thanks to your house-hunting pioneering, I know know that it was, in fact, a very real and scary documentary. Sad to see the honeymoon is over for the nanny and the tree. Looks like he’s really stuck there.
Oh my gosh. This might be your best post. I laughed out loud, I was scared, I was sad, I was relieved. Now, Ike needs his own paranormal investigative TLC or Discovery Channel tv show!
Jeez, thanks, Susie! I’m feeling really inspired by bad design these days…
Alison, I’m sending the Hunny out to rent that movie, asap! I need to know how the story ends.
i could smell it through the computer. ew.
When I went on the Frank Lloyd Wright home and studio tour in Oak Park, IL he had a tree growing through his hallway. I don’t recall him having designed a “death” room though.
Hi John, thanks for stopping by! So, that’s the thing — I’m sure Wright’s home is AMAZING, because he’s an actual architect, and had the technical chops to get the job done. I think this house was built escapees from a mental institution. They had zero idea what they were doing.
Oh, and I bet if Wright had designed a “death room,” it would have been amazing, too!
ohhh my gawdd, this has to be in my top 3 favorite blog posts of all time, ever. This had me LOLing at work so much when my boss walked in I had to show her the pictures and explain. TOO funny.
I’ve been treating this post like a “where’s waldo” all morning: i know if I stare long enough I’ll find that apparition Ike saw and I felt.
I’ve never been so glad for you to have a baby, his screaming was a lovely excuse for me to escape that death trap
hahah, ummm tree running through the house? That’s what I thought was happening, based on the third picture from the top. I actually sat staring at that picture for quite some time trying to make sense of it all. In the end, I concluded that yes, the tree was running through the house, but nothing prepared me for the actual photos! How ridiculous.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The power of Christ compels you.
well if this ain’t the perfect house to be found under a blog called Design Crisis!!
its just weird! and I think you should do a follow up story of the people who actually lived there…I want to know what they look like!!!
brilliant call on the sand worms too btw!!
I am laughing so loud the Gato freaked out and ran in the other room.
Although, shit! It was probably the poltergeist! I bet cats and babies can both sense that shit.
Raina, the carport, ppplllhahaaa. Miss you girls!
Maybe if I had seen the tree before I saw the death room, I would think it was cool for about 2 seconds. But then you mentioned the leaky roof, and…the poltergeist…and well…I don’t know what else to say. I think you should nominate this house to be on that new show on HGTV (I think) where they destroy a house just for the heck of it. (Think dropping a car through the roof from a crane or driving a bus through the living room). Although I defy them to figure out a way to get through that tree. Who the heck could LIVE here?
you are a brave woman thinking of moving with a wee little baby, but Travis Heights is pretty dreamy. I just met Susann for coffee at Joe’s and strolled through the back streets this weekend, it was indeed nice. Same sidewalks and paved roads like in our hoods just with more trees and higher property taxes
P.S. too bad the house sucked the tree is kinda cool.
I have seen a lot of houses in all my years and some really sh** but man, oh, man, this one takes the cake. Seriously. I’m speechless.
!!!
Hilarious post.
Um, ugh, yeah, okay…like I said, HUH? What the fuck? I have a rather large variety of expletives, but this one stumps even me. I don’t think I could have booked it outta that godforsaken landmine of fright quickly enough. The tree. THE TREE! What?
I just read it again. You know, just to make sure my lack of sleep wasn’t making me see things. I thought, “surely I just imagined that.” NO, it’s still there on the screen in front of me. Really, that’s some of the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. And strangely, I still want to say, “thank you for sharing.”
Wait…. what? How did the tree get there? Does it still have leaves on it on the outside part? Yeah, yeah poltergeist, burial chamber — no biggie, but the tree — how did that happen? I’m so confused!
omg ‘look at the tree!’ ..wow got damn lol@beetlejuice