So yesterday I went to the outlets again in search of more mongolian fur pillows, but they were all gone — probably because I broadcast the message of cheap West Elm stuff far and wide, which was incredibly altruistic of me. But also maybe not so smart for a bargain hoarder. Anyhow, I ended up buying this:
[Not my house! See the entire nursery here]
While it would be a total score if I could walk into an outlet and buy this whole room, I was still pretty happy about snagging that bassinet for half price:
Isn’t it cute? So cute that no fewer than five middle aged women told me how their ovaries just melted before I could even stuff it into the car.
So I wheeled my fancy new bassinet into the bedroom next to the bed, where I plan to house Baby X after I hit the ejector seat, and then I went to sleep.
And then the nightmares started.
This whole pregnancy, throughout all the complications and bed rest, I’ve been in total denial that we actually have a baby coming. I didn’t want to get too attached in the beginning because Baby X might not make it. And also my experience with Little Infant Ike was not exactly a cakewalk — he wouldn’t eat or sleep. He colic cried for four months straight. My nipples cracked and blistered and bled until he was six months old. He slept (or didn’t sleep) for eight months in our bed. I did everything I could to be a “good mom,” but I seemed to fail miserably. Still he was cute and smart as all get out, and most importantly he was healthy, so I just buckled down and made it work because that’s what parents do…
Now there is a crib in our bedroom again.
When I woke up at 3am and looked over, it reminded me of nothing so much as a lawnmower, coming straight at me Stephen King style. I tossed and turned for hours, wondering how I’m going to make this work again. I finally have a kid that is relatively self sufficient, and now I’m starting all over? W. T. F.
I worried about the blog — who’s going to take over while I’m recovering? Will anyone read when I come back? Does it even make sense for me to blog at all anymore?
I worried about my livelihood, not just for money but for my sense of self worth — I haven’t taken a photo or decor job since I went on bed rest.
I worried about Ike — he’s not going to be happy to share the spotlight.
I worried about our marriage — having a newborn is stressful.
I worried about my mental health — I don’t think I need to elaborate on this one.
I’m 10 weeks away from my due date, and of course I’m still worrying about furniture and paint and wallpaper and kitchen cabinets, because those are things I can control (barely). There’s progress in there somewhere.
So I apologize if I sound crazy and stressed and wishy washy. And if it seems like I’m incapable of making decisions for myself, it’s because I am.
I just wanted to say thank you for being here and reading, for indulging my hysteria (using that term with the original root in mind). It helps more than you know. I feel a little ridiculous and sappy sentimental saying that, but it’s true.
Happy Memorial Day weekend, everyone. I hope we can all engage in some much needed R&R.
See you Tuesday, ready to talk decor.
Related posts:
blogging is a medium of self expression in essence, the ones i read are because of the voice behind the expression. don’t worry about being who you are, because i am sure a lot of your readers (like me)- continue to be your readers because we like just the way you are.
Goodness gracious I just adore you. I can’t claim to relate because I haven’t crossed these bridges yet, but I imagine will feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.
As for the blog. Do what you need to do. 1 post a week from you would still make me happy. If you ever need help in the guest posting department, I’d be happy to lend a hand.
On the decor front- that first image totally confused me because its your rug. Just want to confirm that thats not your house? OH and my mom bought my sister that exact same bassinet. Exact. But it cost to much to ship it to San Fran, so now we need to craigslist it!
It’s not my house. I wish I were as prepared as that! It was posted on AT — I just added a link.
Anyhow, thanks ladies. You’re good ones!
Are you sure we’re not related? I’ve been a complete nut this week (my poor hubby!!)…I think it’s finally sunk in. My stress is mostly centered around labor and delivery right now (I’ll be trying a VBAC this time….fingers crossed!) but I keep thinking…THREE kids!??!?!?! Are we crazy?
The second baby really is easier I swear, you’ve already been through hell and back and (for the most part) know what to expect. I’m sure that Ike will be great. The only time that Jude ever got upset with Phin was when my Mom was holding him. They fight like cats and dogs sometimes but seriously are each others best friends, I’m sure your noys will be the same way! Hang in there lady!!
Yeah, boys not noys.
I both love this title- it totally drew me in- and your unabashed honesty at what lies ahead. This is my first read of yours and I already feel connected to you! My kids are all grown and gone, but there are many times in my life I have had thoughts like these…not just over a new baby. Facing retirement and a host of new issues, I pop up at night with wild thoughts and can’t go back to sleep. Maybe it’s that we are creative imaginative types, a female, a wife, an achiever, etc., etc.! We all can relate and if any of us can help you at all, please let us know. We’d be glad to guest post for you. Just keep being honest and do what you can with blogging, people will understand!
Best wishes, and hope you have a lovely weekend.
I’ll be checking back soon!
Nancy
Powellbrowerhome.com
I have never had a kid but I often stay awake at night worrying and also often think that blogging is pointless and I should just give it up. But it is hard to let go after years of doing it. Believe me, we will all still be here if you want to take a break. You are brave and strong and funny and smart!
xoxo -e (modern24seven.blogspot.com)
Posts like this are the reason I started following this blog. Your honesty is both brave and wildly endearing. Your fans will ABSOLUTELY hang in there until you start blogging again, and you will adjust nicely to number two. If for no other reason than you’ve been down that road before, and the torture is relatively short-lived. Ish?
so sorry you’re stressed! i can’t say i have any experience with having babies, but i think you should give yourself a break and don’t worry about us! we’ll be here waiting. remind yourself that a newborn is temporary and you’re going to get through it and be just as successful as before (i’ve also heard kid #2 is easier!). i think you’re humor about it all will keep you sane and things will work out!! also, come back here if you need a pep talk!
I’m glad to have checked back here and seen that your pregnancy has remained stable.
I agree 100% with your gripes about the first newborn ambush. Everyone says the second is so much easier. Most importantly, if I have another I know I can shut the door and let it cry (as long as it’s fed). With the first I would NOT let him cry. Also, breastfeeding sucks and I will never do it again.
Good luck. We are with you.
I don’t have kids and I agonize over paint colors for months and freak out with worry about my pets. So, as far as I’m concerned, you’re super high functioning! We’ll miss you while you’re taking care of your real family, but we (your digital family) will come back and read your blog when you get back to it.
You will be fine, and you’ll handle all of this beautifully, and maybe sometimes not so beautifully, but you’ll do it. Because you have to. You already did it once. Listen to everyone who is telling you that the second is easier – it’s absolutely true. New mama autopilot kicks in a lot faster and you worry less about dumb things that the books tell you to worry about. I’m excited for you. You’re so near the finish line (and starting line)! Blog as infrequently as you want. I’ll still check in. Promise.
I am a new reader who loves interior design and found your blog recently. I also am pregnant with my second child and this post hit home for me, so thanks for diving into another one of my favorite topics–how crazy I feel for having a second child just as my first is starting to be less dependent! Yes, I toss and turn at night as well! Hugs and good luck to all of us parents
That ovary melting bassinet is perfect for wheeling it into the master bathroom and turning on the vent fan. It makes just enough noise so that parents can sleep without hearing every single breath and whimper, but baby is still super close by.
These are my favorite kinds of posts! Please keep blogging because we can all possibly help you by being here to listen and comment back. I have a 4.5 month old, so I would personally love to see you continue blogging and occasionally insert some personal info about how the baby is doing and how it is to have number 2. All your worries and stresses are normal! You will be fine, and when you think you’re not, just blog about it, and we can reassure you!
You’re right where you need to be.
Take comfort in the fact that I almost hemorrhaged to death while giving birth to my first baby and I still decided to have another one. My first-born was a difficult baby (and an even more difficult toddler!) and yet I still decided to have another baby. Etc., etc. That ‘another baby’ was my sweet, sweet Matthew. I guess I’m just trying to say that every baby is different, and thankfully second-borns are typically more mellow than first-borns.
You can so do this. (If I could do it; you can do it!)
Your fears are completely rational. Every pregnant woman goes through them. I think it would be weird not to have nightmares and fears…
Please(!) don’t worry about the blog, or your house. (When you look back in 5 years, you won’t care about the blog — you’ll be glad you spent time with that sweet bundle of newbaby.)
We all love you so much, Erin!
Take it easy. Eat some watermelon this weekend and go get a pedicure.
xo
p.s. no way in hell have you ‘failed miserably’ as a good mom!
p.p.s. Cutest bassinet ever.
I know your fears seem very real to you at 3 am, but you’re having them because you’re pregnant and overwhelmed by hormones. In your current bulky state, you find yourself wondering where you will find the energy to deal with all of he work that attends caring for an infant, in addition to what was already a busy life. Once the baby is born, you will find yourself lighter, literally and figuratively; you’ll take it a day at a time, and you’ll handle whatever comes your way. As for the blog, I would miss your daily words and pictures if you didn’t post for a while, as would all of your followers, but we’ll be here when you do post. I have no intention of canceling my subscription if you don’t post for a while. I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself at this difficult, but exciting and wondrous time.
Oh Erin. I just want to snap my fingers, zap myself to Austin, hug you silly and then be your biggest cheerleader. Having a baby is turn-life-upside-down craziness. Just go with it, be crazy, take it slow, love on your babies and your sweet husband. And if you feel like it, occasional think about paint colors and wallpaper repeats. We love you and we love Design-Crisis. All of us D-C fans will be here waiting to lap up every word whenever you feel like writing. Take deep breaths and live life. Love you.
Sending good wishes your way!
Well, Susie sums it up perfectly. Take care of you, and your bebes and just give us a shout whenever you feel inspired to, and not a minute sooner.
xxx
ooo
awww, sweetie, you are gonna be fine.
sendin’ much LA love your way.
oxoxo.
all the reasons i chose not have #2. ok, that and a case of the diabetes.
i guess as a worrier myself it’s easy to know what your going through and also easy to advise..
you are going to be fine. more than fine. these are normal stresses to have. and i think every parent about to have #2 feels all of these things.
and i agree with naomi..1 post a week will be ok by me if that’s all u can manage. no one will judge you for it.
i think we can all agree that plenty of people take time off from their blogs and come back to full audience.
so no worries there.
your NUMBER 1 priority is your family, not your blog or the decor of your house.
Here’s some perspective for you. My boys were 6 & 8 when the third (planned) child arrived. I was commuting into NYC (looooong days). When the test read ‘positive’ I just put my head into my hands and groaned a little. Fast forward 15 years; one college graduate, one airman in the USAF and one adorable fairly self-sufficient little 14 year old dancer. Life is good. But boy does it fly by…
And we laughed so much when they were little.
Hmm. I wish I had something helpful to say about all this. I guess I would say…if you are going to take a blog hiatus (entirely understandable), tell us when you are coming back so we don’t check every day and become sad!
I don’t know whether a rug will make you feel better, but it’s what I have. It’s zebra AND has an organic print you could chop down AND it’s teal AND affordable ($579 for an 8 x 11 or $259 for a 5 x 8): https://www.onekingslane.com/product/14328/727593. But maybe you’ll hate it.
I hope the anxiety recedes soon. I know you’ll do a fantastic job (which doesn’t and shouldn’t equal perfection), with all of it.
You should really take advantage of this time (now until your baby is walking, talking, able to feed himself and sleep through the night…) to relax. Because its really the only time in your life that you and your house can be a hot mess and no one will say shit. No one is expecting anything from you – its the greatest!!
Take a break! relax. Maybe get someone else to blog for a while, or just take a few months off the blog! ill be back no matter what!
Maybe I can help. My first daughter (now almost 20!) was a very difficult infant who cried endlessly and slept in our bed the first year, just so I could get some sleep!! When I was surprised with a 2nd pregnancy nearly 7 years later, I was freaking out! Number 2 is now 13 and was the easiest baby ever and is a constant source of joy for our family. Embrace what lies ahead and savor every moment! Take the time you need for family – those days fly by and someday you’ll wish you had them back.
So you ARE human afterall!
I’ll take you anyway you come! xx
I am just commenting to send appreciation and good wishes your way. I love reading your blog and completely understand that life gets in the way and you may need to take a break every now and then. When you are back I will be back reading — even if you start blogging about a whole other subject. Though I beg you, please don’t make that subject cooking, because that would just make me hungry, and my husband gets tired of my “can you make this?” emails.
Everything will fall into place when it should. My ovaries are melting wishing I could have another baby but I think my days of having kids are over. Enjoy and live in this moment because it goes by so so fast. Best of luck to you!
Hi Erin, I can’t pretend to imagine what you are going through (no kids…yet!) but all I can say is that I love your blog and check it regularly to drool over great design but, actually more importantly, because I love how you write and you make me laugh.
Do what you need to do… we’ll be here when you are ready.
Sending you a blog hug…a blug. Blugs to you and your fam. Everything will be OK. xoxo