WOMAN, MAN AND BABY HELD HOSTAGE BY BAD PARKING AND OVERWHELMING SELECTION AT OUTLET MALL

This weekend, a tragic confluence of heat, hunger and exhaustion, struck a local family while attempting to shop at a San Marcos outlet mall on Sunday. Apparently, they were unaware that shopping at the Tanger Outlet on a weekend could be incredibly hazardous to their health. When asked what had prompted such a dangerous excursion, they cited this deal, purchased by a friend at the Crate and Barrel outlet:

Although Central Texas is devoid of CB2 stores, the Crate and Barrel outlet does carry a number of returned CB2 pieces, including the Uno sectional which said friend purchased for significantly less than half price. After learning of her friend’s purchase, the unidentified woman enticed her family to head south in search of this sofa:

The woman stated that she felt the possibility of encountering a CB2 Piazza sofa was worth the trip, and hoped to find a returned model for purchase at a lower price. In fact, there was a Piazza sofa at the Crate and Barrel outlet, but it seems the woman was upset to find that it looked nothing like the pictures in the magazine:

She said, “This is not the luxe, Euro styled sofa I have obsessed over for months! This is a lumpy piece of [curses] that looks and feels like a cheap, unfolded futon.”

When asked if there were any redeeming factors to her otherwise foolhardy trip, she said, “Have you been to the Pottery Barn/Williams Sonoma/West Elm outlet? It’s really really really big.”

It appears that the Pottery Barn outlet carries a significant amount of home furnishings at a discount, but the woman did complain about the prices and quality. “The West Elm pieces were chipped and disfigured, the Pottery Barn couches looked stodgy and old, and the Williams Sonoma furniture is priced for the rich and famous. I mean, who would pay $2500 for a desk at an outlet mall?” She also indicated that there may be some contentious issues of taste:

She said, “Holy [curses]! Look at all that coral! Coral, I tell you! And LOBSTER PILLOWS!” [Emphasis added]

When asked how she survived such a treacherous trip fraught with heat, expensive yet tasteless furnishings, and angry family members, she replied, “Well, there was a guy who gave us a free beer. He said I looked really thirsty. Oh, and I bought a waffle maker. Waffles and beer! They pretty much saved the day.”

Thankfully the situation seems to have been resolved peacefully and without any long term ill effects. Updates will be posted as we receive more details.

I’m looking at houses, mayne, that’s what I’m doin. We need another bedroom, and we desperately want better schools and quieter streets because we’re old like that. I must have eyeballed hundreds online already, and negged dozens in person, but today we may have found a contender.

Maybe.

It’s over our budget and it’s not perfect, but it’s in a fab neighborhood with excellent schools — which is saying something because Austin schools are not so great. Sorry, but it had to be said. Or typed, as the case may be.

I’d show you a pic of the exterior, but frankly you can’t even really see it. Because it’s built into a hill, and it lies at the bottom of the driveway of death. Sounds great already, right? Yes, but did I mention the views, the miles of wraparound decking, the acre lot, and the seriously amazing neighborhood?

And the WINDOWS. Tons and tons of windows. I’d like to show you more interior shots, but I’ve had my daily fill of microfiber.

Ok, just this one more. Because that window is so cute. And did you see the beams and the real oak floors, the floors that are not stained a hideous shade of red? Also, can I say that the fireplace — while awesome and copper and very unique — must go. It’s, like, 30 shades of too big.

Oh yeah, and there’s carpet in all the bedrooms. At least it’s brand new.

Also, there is a weird midgetty loft to the side of the dining room that I can’t show you because there are no pictures. And the cabinets are not the bizness — nothing a little paint and contact paper can’t cover for the time being, but not long term worthy, either.

If it sounds like I’m trash talking the place, well I probably am. I’m skeered. We aren’t rich, but we aren’t used to carrying much debt, either. We live modestly, and this — this is not a modest house. This house will make us poor. But it will also make us all upwardly mobile and shit. Poor rich people. And that seems like a lonely place.

Do you think there are coyotes that eat rich people out there? I bet they might even settle for middle class meat.

As per your excellent suggestions, I have been feverishly scouring Craigslist for a credenza with sliding doors that will hide our fugly electronics. Last week, I found an insanely underpriced six foot long teak masterpiece that was practically located in my backyard (which matters because I am way too lazy to drive across town for even the bombest piece), but when I called it was gone. HELLFIRE. I am still obsessing about that stupid credenza, so note to CL sellers: delete your ads once items are sold, otherwise you are just a flagrant tease. Anyhoo, I thought I might toss a few goodies your way that I’ve noticed while searching for my own treasure. Hopefully there is something in here that will make you pee your pants with joy.

Let me tell you what makes me feel a lil leaky: Jack Lenor Larsen. I really love his vintage psychedelic prints, but you can be sure that the understated cobalt velvet upholstery on these fly chairs is still P.I.M.P. Buy them before a dealer (or I) get to them first. They’re even close to my house… $150.

It’s vintage 60s, it has a wooden frame (mahogany, according to the ad, but I doubt that is actually the case), and the upholstery is stupid good. Could it be a reupholstered Lafer on rosewood? Or is that the og fabric on walnut? Inquiring minds want to know. Buy it and tell me all about it. $300.

Vintage Wassily chairs “purchased decades ago at a Scandinavian store.” $225 is not a bad price, but they have been reposted several times. Lowball these suckers.

Four shell chairs with Herman Miller bases, if you’re into that kind of thing. $250 here.

Vintage chrome, lucite, and smoked glass, dinette. Change that upholstery, stat, and you’ve got yourself a winner. It’s taking all my energy not to buy the set just for the chairs. $150 here.

80’s black lacquer and brass bedroom set, made by Lane so it should be real wood under the lacquer. Comes with a six drawer dresser, vanity, corner unit, nightstand, and a full/queen headboard… All for $95. Say what??? That price is dumb. Snatch these puppies up for your disco shag coke pad.

Ok, this gem comes courtesy of a person that Karly and I can only refer to as troll lady — I would recognize that filthy gravel trap of a yard anywhere. Friends, I shall never deal with the troll again (even though I see her EVERYWHERE around town, even at our very own garage sale), but if you do deal with her, don’t take her meandering directions to her house in BFE for the gospel truth, and make sure you spray yourself for mosquitoes and chiggers. Also, I hope you like dogs and cats and chickens and geese and other wild animals. Motherbleeping chupacabra probably lives out there. It is a really cool coffee table, though — reverse painted glass on iron, and a very nice size. $125. Check it out here, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Yep, it’s that table. You know… THAT table. $99, which is half of what reasonable vintage dealers around town are currently charging. Offer less, because for some reason this gal has been up for a while. Buy it here.

Chintz is back, beeyotch! Even better when paired with woven rope end pieces. Such nice colors. This dude is a nice dealer, and he delivers. $300 here.

$50 for a two tiered, shapely glass and brass table that will go anywhere. Get it.

Is it wrong that I really like the cushion fabric? $35 here.

This fabric, however, is downright bilious. Someone PLEASE rescue these adorable Thonet cafe chairs (so hard to find with arms!) and rip that vile fringe off and burn it. $55 here, and consider your purchase to be a mission of mercy.

That’s it for today’s goodies — get them while they’re hot. I think I’d like to end with a little checklist for buying stuff n things off Craigslist:

DO:

Don’t jack around — leave your name, number, and email address, when responding to ads.

Follow up IMMEDIATELY, like within 2.2 seconds, if the seller responds.

Offer less than the listed price. Always. Well… almost always. Don’t be an asshat.

Go look at this crap before you buy it.

Have a plan of action to pick up said crap. This may require requesting dimensions beforehand. Duh (and that is really a “duh” to myself).

DO NOT:

Offer less than the listed price in your email to the seller. Do your dickering in person.

Respond to the seller’s ad with vague inquiries and possibilities. Save that fun for later.

Give anyone your address unless you’re sure they will follow through on delivery. And that the sellers aren’t psycho killers.

Buy anything from the troll lady. Ha! Just kidding… that’s totally up to you. Sucker.

Practice safe craigslisting and see you dudes Friday!

After getting contacted by a professional organizer from the Hoarders show (seriously!), I figured it might be time to confront my “issues” and punch them straight in the face. Ok, and I will sheeplishly admit that I bought yet another couch that we have absolutely no use for, and Ben finally said that enough was bleeping enough. So we spent this past weekend rearranging furniture, photographing stuff for craigslist, and dealing with a fair amount of flaky beeyotches (and some super nice folks, too). I sold half of it, but I thought I might share a few pieces of the hoard with you — mostly for your entertainment, and also to see if you want any of this crap beautiful furniture for your home. You know you do.

I mean, who would not want this king sized peach taffeta tufted headboard with matching coverlet? Gents, just try to stop yourselves from emailing me RIGHT NOW to reserve this bad boy. This sucker begs for strawberries and fine fine champagne in bed — not that we would ever mar this baby with our own foodstuffs.

No sir. Just look — pristine and smooth as a baby’s butt. Kind of even looks like one.

How about four vintage Saarinen style captain’s chairs? Sure, they are cushionless and could use a good cleaning. Sure, for some inexplicable reason the top lifts completely out of the base when you try to pick them up (anyone out there know how to fix this?). But there are four of them. And they are hard to find. Buy them. Please.

I’m just going to give these vintage lamps to one of my friends if I can’t sell them. That’s how little I care about them. Oops, I mean, “that will be $60 for the pair, please.”

On the other hand, I would like to get approximately one brazillion dollars for my gigantic Italian glass Marbro lamp. I didn’t even bother putting it on craigslist because I know some chump would just offer me $25 for it, and that would make me very cranky. Anyone know a good dealer?

Enough with the depressing stuff that didn’t sell. Let’s talk about my success stories.

I made a tidy little profit off our Danish table and six janky broken chairs, sold to a guy who sweet talked me into holding it for him by bribing me with Momma cookies. He turned out to be a dealer AND I didn’t get no cookies. Well, at least I’m 99% sure he was a dealer. He never actually admitted it, but he didn’t deny it when I asked him point blank. He did say that it was for his own home, but I think that was a dirty dirty lie.

Should we talk about craigslist ethics, here? I mean, I don’t mind working with dealers, but why lie about it? Don’t be a shady bastard.

I would have to say the highlight of my weekend was selling our Mulhauser Mr. Chair to a guy who really really likes it. Plus it was his birthday and he was really hungover, which was extertaining. Plus he really liked our house, and is thinking of buying something near our neighborhood… So, in my fantasies I have already sold our house and most of the remaining contents to him and his nice wife, while the hunny and I retire to the country, comforted by the fact that our beloved ex-home is in good hands.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be alone with my fantasies, please.

Do you think Karly would notice if I snuck into her house, stole the panther table, and replaced it with one of these?

Fierce! And only $500!!!!! They practically sell themselves.

In case you were wondering — YES, these are actually on the Austin craigslist right now. Better hurry before someone else snatches these beauties up!

We have reached the unfortunate time in the Austin weather cycle where local residents have 2 choices: retreat indoors or crowd into Barton Springs. Our 2 weeks of spring have ended and it’s officially hot here. Bleck. But hope springs high in the form of this weekends first ever Renegade Craft Fair hosted, ahem, indoors

After years of shows across the country, renegade craft has finally made it’s way south to austin and is bringing 200 + indie crafters with it. I know that indie crafter often means a booth full of crochet rock koozies, but Renegade is a juried show which helps to leave the hand felted ipod replica makers at home where they belong. Or so I’ve heard. Don’t believe me? Come see for yourself

Even yours truly will be there selling screen prints. I’ll be splitting a booth with my fellow craft mafia members, which is basically an excuse for me to get the hell out of my backyard demo and catch up on some much needed gossip.

The craft fair is this saturday and sunday from 11 am – 7pm at the palmer events center. Hope to see you there.

Oh, PS, speaking of prints, I only have THREE HORSEYS LEFT in the whole world. Buy the last ones never to be printed again here.

I like Craigslist. A lot. Ok, this much:

See there? That’s my bookmarking system, and its wee arteries are clogged with cheap lamps and tables that I cannot possibly squeeze into my home. So I’m just going to go ahead and toss a few gems your way. If you live near Austin, wheeeee! Enjoy some bargains. But first I have some gifts for those of you who live elsewhere — I’m going to call this selection of junque the Craigslist Razzies. Because this kind of crap annoys the hell out of me.

Gosh, who am I kidding? I am just dying to own this golden console overrun by chubby cherubs, complete with a matching cherub studded silver mirror. Apparently the artist also designed Pope John Paul II’s throne. Wow! Bonus! And it’s only $4000.

I am something of a spelling nazi, so when I see “rod iron” I want to smash an anvil through my computer screen, because it’s wrought iron, people. WROUGHT, as in forged. Also, wtf is a “mirrow?” Only through context have I gleaned that it somehow means mirror to a scarily high percentage of people out there. But “provintial” is a whole new trainwreck.

Sigh. This has been posted for months and months and months. Maybe it’s because that fabric + that chair = utterly and completely wrong. I feel bad about dissing it because I know that someone actually put effort into this project, but then I feel angry that such a lovely chair was maimed beyond recognition. It kind of makes me want to claw my eyes out.

Ok, this person has highly questionable taste in sofas, which is FINE. Sometimes I like to listen to Moby. We all have our flaws. But when you advertise your fugly crap like it is the shiznit for months on end, and never ever lower the price, well then you, sir, suck. No one is ever ever going to buy that pea green poo for $800, so don’t act like you’re doing someone a favor by being “willing to part with it, to a good home.” I’m sorry, I meant to say: let me just hustle on down to your house so I can submit my application!

Speaking of people who are batshit insane, let me just give you a little background on this sofa — Crate and Barrel’s Petrie. It’s a lovely couch, and Karly was thinking about purchasing it new from C&B, so hey, why not try to score it for less on CL? But of course the seller wants $1500, and WILL NOT BUDGE on the price. So, lemme see, that’s $100 off of C&B’s price for a new sofa that can be ordered in your choice of fabric, will not be covered in someone else’s cat hair and popcorn farts, and could be paid for on a credit card.

SCORE!!!

Awww, I have a special place in my heart for this beauty. And I quote, “Carmen electra has the exact same bed, you can see it on cribs. hand forged by famous craftsman, with blue velevet & candle holders go into posts, sweet for setting the mood:)”

So. many. wrong. things. But hey, guess what? It’s only $700. The post states it does need cleaning, though.

Yes. I’m quite sure that it does.

Ok, enough with the scary stuff. I’m no SusieQ over at Eye Spy, but from time to time I do find a few goodies. I usually harass Karly with 800 emails enticing her to buy them, but she is highly resistant. It kind of hurts my feelings. I mean bargain goods are like my baby children (no offense to Ike… there’s enough love to go around for everyone). Anyway, I hope that someone out there can love these little guys as much as I do.

Teak loveseat and TWO matching chairs for $399. Snatch it up before Room Service does, because as much as I adore them, their entire inventory seems to be coming from Craigslist these days.

Lamps for $10 each. $10 for that gold mid mod eyeball lamp! TEN.

I know it’s not for everyone, but I think this sofa is so awesome. Love the tribal print and the wrapped legs. $200, but it’s been listed for a while, so offer less.

Pair of Pace tables for $250. Offer less. If I didn’t already have that behemoth of a coffee table, or if there were a pair of end tables, these would be MINE.

Sweet little chrome and glass dining table for $50. Offer less.

Lane walnut two tier coffee table for $90. Offer less.

This isn’t really my style, but it’s pretty insane. Awesome 50’s king sized lacquered mahogany bed. It also separates into two twin beds. $550, but yes — you should offer less.

Ok, that’s it for my marathon run through Austin Craigslist. If anyone out there buys any of my finds, let us know and send in a picture of it in its new home, and I’ll post it. Nothing would make me happier than to disperse my addiction elsewhere. Because I just can’t keep storing stuff in the garage.

I love a good weiner… dog, that is. This weekend, we joined Karly and Mattybear at the Weiner Dog Races in Buda, TX, a wee country town just minutes south of Austin.

Photo by Jay Janner of the Austin American Statesman

It had to be the weirdest county fair I have ever been to, but I gotta say that the pups were doggone cute. So today I’m posting a few doggy decor items inspired by our day at the races. Blue ribbons not included.

Dogs as typefaces, via Swiss Miss

I am obsessed with these headless dog speakers. Woofers by Sander Mulder.

Available in a limited run of only 50 pieces, these little dudes by Matteo Cibic have a fine pedigree.

Ibride’s Sultana Dog Stool

I love this Dog Mask Mirror, designed by Tord Boontje and Emma Woffenden for Artecnica.

Check out this amazing tutorial on how to screenprint your own wallpaper. If you’ve ever screenprinted anything, you know what a crazy big achievement this doggie wallpaper by Polly Danger is.

And finally, an oldie but goodie — the Whippet Bench by Radi Designs even comes in gold. Truly, that must be man’s best friend.

I’m leaving y’all with a little pic of Me and Ike in the petting zoo at the fair. We survived the voracious baby eating goats… barely. I’m not sure Ike’s pacifier will ever the the same, though.

Sorry our posts are looking all wonky… we’re having some weird wordpress glitches that force us to code in HTML and mama no likey. Hopefully it’ll all magically resolve itself soon.

That’s it for the weekend wrap up. Did any of you do anything super exciting? Tell me all about it.

Lately I’ve been very busy.  Ok, so I say that every other day, but this time I mean really really busy.  In addition to the backyard demolition and the guest bath remodel I’ve been working with superstar client, Birds Barbershop, to unleash a new campaign on our unsuspecting and fair city.

See, with the word Barbershop in the name, people often assume that their core customer looks a lot like this:

With free lone star on tap, you best believe that several dudes get their ears lowered at Birds, but they also have customers like-a so:

And plenty like this:

Birds owner, Michael, and I have been brainstorming and coordinating this campaign for months.  All photographs were shot by Alison Narro, layout & graphics by yours truly, and the logo is a spin on an old austin bumper sticker from the ’70s.  (BTW, I tried to find a pic of the sticker online and couldn’t but trust me it exists)  Here are a few other posters I’ve put together so far.

The shoot took place over 4 days (one day at each Birds location) and all the models are Birds customers who just so happened to show up during the shoot to get a haircut.

If you’re in Austin, keep your eyes peeled, these posters and ads will be popping up everywhere soon.  Treat it like a where’s waldo, would ya?

Hot on the heels of SXSW comes another Texas sized festival — the Round Top antiques fair. Neither Karly nor I were sure we could make it this year, but hooray! Fortune prevailed. On Saturday morning we said good bye to the menfolk (who were not disappointed in the slightest about being left behind), grabbed our pal Diana, gorged ourselves on sugary cream cheese kolaches, and then headed out in search of treasure.

After hours and hours of weaving from booth to booth, Karly and I both scored a few items, but nothing big this year. Sadly, Diana went home empty handed, which is oddly easy to do at Round Top. There is so much stuff there that it’s easy to get glazed over and just shut down. I’m still mighty tired from all the walking in the heat, so this post is gonna be short on words, but no need to worry: I went a little berzerker with the old point and shoot this year, so it will be crazy long on images. Enjoy!

Stuff I almost bought:

Pair of what look to be Adrian Pearsall for Craft Associates chairs upholstered in houndstooth fabric for $375. Cool, but pricey, and I have no place for them right now.

Brass swan faucet that Karly spied for $75, and large painting for $200. I may kick myself for not getting that faucet, but I just don’t have a place for it right now, plus it needs refinishing. The painting was done in 1930 and has an awesome old money feel, but it was damaged and the douchey seller wouldn’t come down. His loss.

Stuff we bought:

Huge revolutionary drummer boy painting for Ike’s room for $45. SCORE!

Karly got these Seven Deadly Sins dessert plates for practically nothing.

I also bought a big white globe swag lamp for over the kitchen sink, but I forgot to take a picture of it. Hopefully The Hunny can wire it up soon and I’ll capture it in situ, along with my “new” shelves that I’ve been threatening to post for months.

Here we are near the end of the day. Karly has on her sessy face, and I look like a kid that got caught playing with daddy’s creepy Kaiser hat. We had an awesome time, but I am glad to be at home on the couch, in the air conditioning.

Happy Monday, dudes!