On the same day that the news broke of Domino’s demise, I received my March issues of both Elle Decor and Metropolitan Home in the mail.  Each Magazine crying out:  read me first! I’m better!  I deserve to survive this dreary economy!  Oh, and how about you renew your subscription while you’re at it?  With the passing of several shelter magazines over the last several months, rest in peace, Vogue Living, one has to wonder what it takes to stay alive, and furthermore, to stay on top.  Rather than picking a mag to read first, I flipped through them simultaneously, page for page, I compared these last-men-standing, to see which would survive the battle of the fittest.

While Elle delivers color, PUPPIES!, and lots of Madeline Weinrib, Met Home gives me an arch lamp, KITTENS!, and a light filled, but otherwise dull space.

Cover Challenge winner:  Elle Decor.  While I am more of a cat person, I do prefer all the fuchsia to those drab gray sofas.  The bent-wood chaise is endearing, but a bit to Viking for my taste.

On the left, Elle’s table of contents gives us 3 preview shots of upcoming stories, while Met only shows us one.  Met really makes it count though, with that uber-hot gold table on the right hand side.

Table of Contents Challenge Winner:  Draw, not only do these two look nearly identical side by side – perhaps someone’s graphic designer is moonlighting? – but even the copy editors seem to be collecting paychecks from both companies:  Met Home headlines with “Capitol Gains,” a story, presumably on a DC home, while Elle Decor spoon feeds us “Insider Trading” a slightly more mysterious title but with little variation from the former.

For some reason, I always read the editor’s letter in any magazine.  I don’t know why, they’re never that great and tend to be the editorial version of a beauty pageant contestant’s response to her question on current events.  Margaret Russell kills in her letter this time, bringing both praise and criticism to this year’s Top Design winner, Nathan Thomas.  Margaret seems to appreciate Nathan’s style, but the letter acts as a disclaimer reminding the readers that she would rather set fire to her hair then have his hastily decorated apartment in her magazine, but, well, rules is rules.  Donna Warner talks about the economy (snooze) and a bunch of trade shows she visited that had fabulous(!!!) new items, none of which appear in this month’s magazine.  

Editor’s Letter Challenge Winner:  Elle Decor.  Mrs. Warner drove a hard bargain posing next to that horse, and, I tell you, it just about tipped the scales, but Mrs. Russell’s letter was too good to pass up.

Each magazine gives a sneak peak of the items we will most surely crave in the up coming months, according to Elle, we will want lots of pattern, color and well, pattern and color.  Apparently, Met Home thinks we will want a bunch of crappy stuff painted black and awkwardly framed.  What you cannot see here is that Met Home’s “Word” section is actually sprinkled with more variety than Elle’s but it’s a bit confusing and across the map… soooo:

Trend Spotting Challenge Winner:  Elle Decor.  While I appreciate the variety in the Met Home display (again, not fully shown) I value the clarity of vision presented by Elle just a little bit more.  This was a tough call and I really wish that the horse from the table of contents had been in this section, making my choice that much easier.

Each magazine has a lead story that veers a bit off course from the rest of the edition’s fare:  Russell delivers on her promise to feature Top Designer, Nathan, while Warner gives us some brew-ha-ha about prefab houses.  Honestly, I didn’t read the article, I already subscribe to Dwell.

Lead Story Challenge Winner:  Draw.  You may remember that Erin and I already covered Top Design ad nauseam, so that was a bit old hat, about as old as, say, prefab housing.

Elle and Met Home each take a tour of the globe bringing us back the most salacious treats our hearts can handle, and will most surely kill to obtain. Elle Decor promises that butterflies are the new black, while Met Home counters with the argument that we will all be causing riots in the streets to get our hands on every possible bit of fuchsia.  (Remember, Fuchsia was all over the cover of Elle, so, apparently, they unknowingly agree)

What’s Hot Now Challenge Winner:  Met Home.  Ok, Elle Decor, Butterflies?  Really?  I know that the last butterfly trend was laid to rest circa 1999, so, working on the 10-year-trend-cycle, mathematically, these winged beauties should be on deck, but I have to say, sometimes trend math is wrong and I’d really like to pop those suckers back in the vault for another 5 years.  Met Home, on the other hand, you’ve read my mind:  I really have been into the hot pink lately.  Pssst, you would have scored double if you’d trash-talked red, currently my least favorite color.

All of our contributors spend hours upon hours to bring us the best pieces of furniture currently in production.  Elle is loving floor lamps this month, while Met gives us a taste of love seats, nesting tables (small space issue) and convertible sofas.

Individual Medley Winner: Draw.  Wile each magazine had a couple of pieces of eye-candy, none were lust worthy and most were on par with an after-dinner-mint rather than a big bowl of chocolate mousse.  

Finally, each magazine dukes it out with their version of decor porn.  First up:  Elle

A few of the more notable rooms from this edition, each are from different homes.  Meh.  While I would probably live in most of them, I’m not really peeing my pants with excitement either.

Next Up, Met Home: 

Really, only a few things stood out to me in this issue:  the mirrored wall in photo 1 (drool) the cocktail table, bottom left (gold!) and the barely visible side-table, bottom right (leather bar!)

Home Tour Challenge Winner:  Elle Decor.  While I would never consider quantity over quality, Elle certainly seems to have both.  I would like each editor to turn it up a notch, though.  You, Me, Erin and the rest of the design blog-o-sphere drop design bombs day after day, most of which induce much more hyperventilation and raised heart rates than these entire magazines combined.  We all know there’s so much more out there, so why did I just spend my weekend putting together this post while intermittently yawning?

Alas, the moment we have been dreaming about for months has arrived.  After much nail biting and speculation, the question was answered:  would America be able to elect it’s first female Top Designer?  Apparently not.  Wednesday, November 5th, 2008 will forever be known as the day that subversive Nathan spray painted his way to victory.  Did you get your copy of the newspaper?

By way of Nathan’s win, America stood up and collectively shouted “No!!!  we can not take one more season of traditional design, Preston”:

The better of Preston’s dull rooms.  Note the Target pillows

The master bedroom that is absolutely, 100% made for sleeping

portfolio shot for job position at Rooms to Go the dining room

Ondine fell just short of victory, which may or may not mean that she now has to take Andrea to dinner and buy her a nice outfit at a posh New York store:

the actually cute girls room that (DRAMA!) almost didn’t happen.

It’s a shame that they have some intern with a point-and-shoot take these photos, they’ve managed to completely cut out the largest, and most interesting part, of this space:  the art work which stretched all the way to the ceiling.

Don’t you guys feel like we would all like these rooms much more if we had seen them months ago when they were designed?  The time-lapse makes them all seem so passe now.  Oh, and I hate that light paired with the table (too small) and the wallpaper (too underwhelming).

The living room, minus the zebra rug, not so bad

Nathan and stole the show with, ahem, this:

The judges could not stop flipping out about this space and, aside from the groovy sculpture, I don’t get it.  Maybe if I were actually IN the space?  I dunno.  I do appreciate that he skipped the formal living room and made a pretty, albeit useless, entryway.

boring bedroom 2.0: now with white curtains!

Nathan almost lost due to the criminally large sarcophagus in the family room.  He did pull at my heart strings a little by recognizing the flaw and not wanting to ask the movers to carry it back outside.  But then again, who carried it out after production was complete?

Clearly the best space in the house (and possibly throughout the entire season of the show) Nathan’s dining area.  LOOK!  It’s my table!  In white!  Despite how much I enjoy this space, I really can’t stand that PAPER PLATE chandelier. I’m all for DIY, it’s the reason my broke-ass has a nice home, but really, could you imagine presenting Margaret Russell with a chicken-wire-and-paper-plate chandelier?  You’d have to have ballz (or a ballsack shaped swarovski light) to try to pull that off.  Nathan, you had 80Gs to spend on this house, c’mon.

And finally, the centerpiece of this episode:

Kelly adds 10 years to her age while, ironically, trying to look like a little girl.  I actually like the dress, it’s the braids, Kelly.  The braids!

We here at DC headquarters were so excited about this historic event, we even threw a party.  Here are some pictures*

*Election party photos substituted for photos of non-existent Top Design Party

So, there you have it.  Nathan won.  Eddie was mean.  Kelly was crazy pants.  Jonathan’s marriage is no longer valid and, praise jesus, I don’t have to write about this crap anymore.

editors note:  the part about Jonathan is bologna, get it together California.

I’m sorry for the Top Design delay but between work (blechk!), following every minute of this pesky national race between some random senators, and my new obsession with The Pick-Up Artist, frankly dears, I just haven’t had time.  But let’s not dwell on the past, let’s jump right in.

This week’s Top Design delivered it’s own special October Surprise and really was that buzz term we all know so well:  a Game Changer.  After much deliberation, Erin and I both Agreed that the Top Design contestants are actually, well, how do I put it?  Um, Good.  Now, don’t get me wrong, nothing that actually happened during the filming of la episode to lead us to this conclusion.  It was the airing of photos from Ondine, Nathan, Preston and Eddie’s* homes that gave us reason to reconsider our previously drawn conclusions.

*Eddies apartment was not shown at the top of the hour due to his slated elimination.  And those are the rules of reality TV.  Sorry, rules is rules. Let’s have a peak at the Designers in real life.  You be the judge.

Preston’s real-life home:

OK, admittedly I am swayed by the HORSE in photo #1.  I’ve never met a horse-in-a-house that I didn’t like. 

Here’s a shot of Preston’s shining moment on Top Design:

Huh?  The first 2 images could tred water in most design mags, while I’m pretty sure I saw that same botanical bloodbath tonight while I was at Hobby Lobby.  (yes, I really was at Hobby Lobby)

The evidence for the cast and against the production mounts when we take a gander at Ondine’s pad.  Buckle up, there are a lot of pictures.  Because I love it.

I currently have my attorneys reviewing the squatter’s rights laws in New York to see if I can get my booty in there.  Which begs the question, why?  WHY? Did the Top Design production team force us to accept this as entertainment:

You may remember that it was Ondine who was responsible for the tragic decoupage wallpaper

In my personal apartment hunt today I learned that the internet is, in fact, finite (gasp).  I could not find any pictures of Nathan’s real-life pad.  Nathan?  Are you out there?  If so, send us some pics of your joint and we’ll post ‘em lickety split (I bet we’ll even have nice things to say about them)

For now, here are some photos of interiors Nathan has designed for clients:

I would gladly sip cocktails and work in either of these photos (they are not mutually exclusive, right?) so why, pray tell, was I forced to endure this:

Paper plates?  c’mon!  This is the Y2K8, that shit is bad for the environment and this room is bad for my soul.

Finally, even though the TD VD producers undermined our intelligence and ability to spot a little foreshadowing, I managed to dig up some Eddie Ross photos (that dude is everywhere)

(is that the vest he was given as a birthday gift on this week’s episode?)

You have to admit, Eddie is quite possibly the best designer for the aging WASP crowd in all of North America.  Hey, that’s not a bad thing, those dudes have cash.  Still, his first solo Top Design project looked like this:

I just threw up in my mouth.

And it’s the producer’s fault.

This entire season I’ve been saying to myself… UGH!  If I had that project I would do this, that, and the other thing. Turns out, no, no I wouldn’t have.  I, like Preston, Ondine, Nathan, Eddie and the rest of the bunch would have been at the mercy of a drama and ratings hungry production team.  No amount of experience or expertise could prepare me to design an entire house in 90 minutes.

So, in an open letter to the Top Design Producers I would like to say:  Why?  Why are you spoon-feeding us these sub-par bologna sandwiches when you could pay your camera crew a little bit of overtime to give a few talented designers an honest chance at making something good?  And please, spare the “if they are true designers they can make anything out of nothing” rhetoric, you know damn well that you’re setting them up for ratings-driven failure.  You’ve invited wonderfully talented judges (we really do love them all, even the guests) to join your cast, people who look at and work on GREAT design on a daily basis, then ask them to find nice things to say about a piss-poor room.  It’s a little insulting.  As I have said before, if you give these kids a real budget and a decent time-line (an extra day even), you may actually see interiors that inspire and REAL drama born from the jealousy of the less talented cast. It is you, Top Design Producers, that I am holding accountable.  You’re a bunch of Tranny Ding Dongs.

PS.  If anyone would like to see a real summary of this week’s episode with pictures and stuff, please visit our lovely (and funny as hell!) friend Cliff in Cliffland

Look here kiddos I have a plane to catch in less than 24 hours so I’m gonna cut right to the awkwardly decorated chase on my Top Design post today. Here are my bullet points:

1.  There is a crazy contest happening over at Blogging Top Design and you dudes are invited to enter.  If you are kind enough to suffer through my hasty post you can gather all the details at the end. Next bullet point.

2.  Alternate titles for Episode 8: Light it Up include but are not limited to:

“Top Design:  A Very Special Product Placement Episode”

“Preston VS. Granny Chic:  an Imperial Trellis Martha Stewart Bloodbath”

“Simon Doonan:  What You Need To Know About Your New Favorite Judge”

“I May Not Be Kelly Wearstler But I Can Crazy Dress Your Pants Off.  And I Have An Accent”

“Name the Ballsack Chandelier”

“Top Design:  We Don’t Take Erin’s Advice About Incorporating Bookshelves Into A Space”

“The Secret is Out:  How the Top Design Cast Learned About My Marriage to Child Star Ricky Schroder”

“Kelly Can’t Be With Us This Week Because She’s Putting the Finishing Touches on Bravura Modernism, In Her Honor, Our Contestants Will Put the Last Nail In the Coffin Of Hollywood Regency”

“Watch as Our Contestants Fall Deeper and Deeper into The Stereotypes Our Production Team Has Crafted!!!!!!”

And Another Name for this Post:

“Top Design:  It makes me wordy”

PICTURE TIME!!!

Preston wins for the second week in a row.  Confused teenage girls across the country applaud his victory.

Side Note:  For the sake of my mother’s health:  please stop with the all black and white, she claims she will vomit if you do it again.  Me: messenger / Her: bad guy

Nathan Comes in a close second with his insane foray into a world of mismatched nightmares.  Was it the North Face Backpack on the bedpost that drove this one home?  I don’t get it, and you dudes know that I usually like-a the crazy.

Andrea cries a river over her children and her inability to accessorize (isn’t that sort of the point of decorating, Andrea?) And gets chastised by guest judge Simon for her “shell centerpiece that screams ’80s.” Ironically, Kelly is absent so that she can fight tooth and nail to bring the ’80s back to our living rooms. There’s more double speak than in the McCain / Palin campaign.

Ondine makes a sad homage to Carrie Bradshaw.

Eddie channels his inner Martha Stewart which leaves Simon and Jonathan inspired for the mortuary waiting room they may one day decorate.

That’s all kids.  Now it’s time for la contest:

The good kids over at blogging top design, who just so happen to be much nicer than Erin and Myself, are putting on a contest for all you TD fans.  And guess who’s judging?  This week’s best dressed judge herself: Margaret Russell. Here’s the scoop:

(their words)

The October 22nd show challenged the contestants to decorate a room around a fantastic Swarovski chandelier from their Crystal Palace Collection.

How would you have done?  Now’s the time to find out!  You are invited to submit a design board that illustrates your design creativity.  It can be a standard mood board created with paper and or you can create it digitally, or step outside the box and paint a picture – the sky’s the limit! (okay – the digital image is the limit!)

Then there are a bunch of rules and stuff that you can read about on their site.

Bottom line:  Margaret Russell will be picking a winner and bestowing upon them a signed copy of her book So Chic, plus some other goodies TBA

Now, go, scoot, mood.

Well, well. Finally a challenge where each person has to design a real living space, and no ridiculous swithcharoos took place to amp up the contrived drama. Is it just me, or was last night’s episode actually… better? I kind of even found myself beginning to identify with the contestants. Eddie didn’t come off as a bitchy subhuman prima donna, and Natalie said the word “Caesareum” to her carpenter. Someone’s not as stupid as she looks (or at least as stupid as the producers script her to be).

Maybe I’m just feeling warm and fuzzy because I kicked ass on the Pop Design. Was that a clever manipulative tactic by the producers to give viewers a means to participate in the show? Whatever. I WON. So I liked that part.

On to da important stuff: Critiquing each contestant’s “Room of the Future,” all of which were furnished largely with pieces from Ikea, Modernica, and lots of spray paint. I could point out here that only one of the previously mentioned categories is actually futuristic, while the other two are rooted in the 60′s vision of Stanley Kubrick futurism, but why bother. It’s clear that contemporary design is largely pastiche anyway. Let’s go from worst to best, shall we? First up: Natalie.

Wow that’s a lot of junk in that gross tangello colored space. The bookcase is particularly vile, and to that end I have a word of advice for all the contestants: don’t use giant bookcases because you don’t have anything to put in them! I mean, how many tchotchkes can a person collect in two days? Also, I would like to know what happened to the holographic strip club background that Natalie was pole dancing in front of. Even though I hated it, I kind of miss its extreme tackiness. This room just looks like a poorly staged Ikea showroom.

Second up: Andrea.

This room isn’t horrible, it’s just boring and tired. Sadly, I actually own that giant badass wicker light fixture* and a zebra rug. It’s making me want to get rid of those two items even though my dining room is thankfully NOT saccharine pepto bismol pink. Point is, this room is so 2007, ergo, it’s NOT FUTURISTIC. In the future, we have eaten all the zebras, wicker is an endangered species, pink is outlawed, and we have learned to hang multiple items in odd numbers. (Although I’m pretty sure even the Greeks knew that last part, right?)

*Where did Andrea get that light fixture? Didn’t she have another one that she was unable to put together???

Third: Ondine.

Ondine, Ondine. I kind of like this chick, and I even found her headless chicken routine to be a touch endearing, as I imagine that’s how I would act if I were on this show. However, her designs are always missing something. I loved Kelly’s idea to have 16 of those industrial fans mounted on the wall, and I think her comment speaks to the fact that Ondine can’t just pick one idea and really go for it. Still, her colors are goodish, I liked that she did a lot with lighting, and overall there were some worthwhile ideas in this space. I just reread everything I wrote and it sounds… nice. What’s happening here?

Fourth: Nathan

Ok, so this room is way over cluttered, but Nathan’s concept of boxing up vintage design to display it like an artifact was so much more interesting than anyone else’s. At first I thought he was going to have a giant plexiglass vitrine with an old, tattered dining set inside it, and I thought that was such an awesome idea. Instead, we got this unedited mess. He should have yanked that rug out, or painted it. Or whatever. But I still think that Nathan’s better at making something out of nothing than the others are. I like his bundle of logs as end table and I see the beginnings of a layered room here, which must be hard to achieve when you have such limited resources in terms of shopping and time. I mean, would it kill the producers to give them an extra day and a chance to go to a flea market? The results would be EXPONENTIALLY better.

Fifth: Eddie.

This is Eddie’s lobby at a cloning firm, which looks like American Psycho slaughtered Beetlejuice. Kelly called it “Granny Gone Wild,” which I found to be utterly confusing, but Kelly is confusing, as I will get to in a sec. Anyway, the red mantle is cartoon to the max, but I kind of like lampshades and the paint splattered wall… just not in blood red. Actually, it’s too bad he didn’t go ahead and give his Ikea Klippan sofa the jackson Pollack treatment after Ondine started the job for him:

Winner (and deservedly so): Preston.

What a terrible picture, whereas many of the previous pictures made the rooms look better than they really did. Oh well. This room was kind of… good. I liked the black wall with space portal pictures, the dark wallpaper which read more as texture than pattern (thank god!!!), the fabric panel that separated the spaces and acted as a light box, and the weird molding wall painted glossy white. Oh, and the industrial light fixture made from several bare bulbs. I hate the cow print pouffle. Otherwise, I am pleasantly surprised. Hmmm.

On to the most important issue — what was Kelly Wearstler wearing?

No seriously, what IS this? It looks like Joan Crawford in a navy blue Big Bird costume. Although I think her hair looks good under that… hat thing. Turban. Flower pot. Whatever it is. And she has nice legs, although I don’t really feel like I need to see that much of them.

All in all, this week still felt like a Science Fair project on steroids, although I see a few faint glimmers of talent in there. I may not wish that I could stab my eyes out rather than watch Top Design next week.

Sorry for the late post today everyone, I had quite the whirlwind evening last night.  After trying out a new Indian restaurant and going to see the Yelle concert, I made my way home to watch a late night taping of Top Design.  Despite the fact that I didn’t have a drop to drink, I still feel like I blacked out through the lobotomy inducing design show.  Let me try to remember what happened.

Yes, yes, It’s coming to me: Opening montage of the winner and looser for the week so that we can start to feel their story.  The challenge is given:  take an ugly office, use some recycled crap and green standards (read:  something we can pretend you messed up later when the producers decide that you are no longer entertaining) to make a small office that our cameras can’t quite fit into look nice.

Step two:  Once you’ve planned your design and are SO SUPER EXCITED to prove how great you are on your own, abandon ship and take over someone else’s project so that there’s virtually no hope that anything will look good and everyone will have hurt feelings about taking credit for other people’s ideas (more on that later)  Let’s stop with all the paragraphs and look at the design train wreck (drain wreck?)

Abort, Natalie!  Abort!

she never listens.  And pray tell, why are the judges just now picking up on her lack of sophistication?  Everything she does looks like it was made for a homecoming queen’s self decorated bedroom.

OH NO!!!  It’s the room that (stomping feet) Eddie totally stole from Nathan.  Gosh, darn, it’s just not fair. 

Calm down now, let’s get a few things straight:  the producers are working overtime to villainize Eddie, pitting he and Nathan into an imaginary tete-a-tete to which we are respond with screams of injustice at our television set. Ok, seriously though,  Eddie is kind of a bitch, but, what do you expect, he’s got a big fancy design job that many would kill for.  And he’s good at it.  Wouldn’t it be SO MUCH WORSE if he were phony squeeky clean nice?  

Plus the whole point of last night’s event was to take credit for someone else’s design, a sad attempt at inducing a blood curdling rage in our otherwise bored hearts.  In 5 years of Project Runway, there has never been a “take over someone else’s design” challenge.  You know why?  Because that would be stupid.  

I’m sick of writing about last night show, it’s making the hole in my skull bleed.  Let’s just look at the pictures and get it over with.

Oh, Preston, Preston, your room was so great.  I think you’re so wonderful, HOW did you ever think of painting that bookshelf.  Ok, seriously everyone? Lame.

(side note, according to our stats, several people end up on our site after googling the following:  Is Top Design Preston Gay?)

YES

Next

I didn’t totally hate what Ondine did with Wisit’s table scraps.  I kinda like that chair.

-Holy Crap my computer is going slow today, this is really just fueling my Top Design Rage-

Oh, Andrea, I REALLY REALLY want to root for you.  Despite how annoying it is to CONSTANTLY hear you talk about your (shhhhh) secret marriage to childstar Ricky Schroder, there’s something about you that I kinda like.  Now GET. IT. TOGETHER.  And, listen:  no more desk chair cozies.  Got it?  Got it.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Nathan, did you hear what I told Andrea about the chair cozies?  

Since we don’t have Kelly to disect this week, we’ll have to make do with India, who’s outfit I was oddly drawn to, even though it reminded me of this Debra Messing get-up that I’ve never really loved.  I think it may have been the colors.  OH!  now, a room in that pallet may actually be a contender for Top Design, but sadly, nothing this week even came close to vying for the position of Medium Design.

One last thing before I go:  you know, I’m really starting to blame the production for this crap that is getting tossed across my screen once a week.  Would you please just stop trying to squeeze every last bit of drama and name calling out of this event and give these designers a chance to really do something great.  If they each had, oh, I don’t know, say, a budget, and time, and a clear direction, not only might we finally see some good work, but I’m willing to bet that the level of jealousy and insecurity might raise to such a level that we would actually get to watch REAL drama, not this phony crap that you keep peddling. 

+++++++++

On an entirely different note, it is a little cooler in austin today (woo-hoo!  74 degrees!) so I treated myself to a hot chai from starbucks.  It is magical and is making up for my top design sadness.

++++++++

Ha Ha, I just checked weather.com and it’s actually 87 degrees.  I think I’m so used to the insane heat that I thought it was in the mid 70s.  Plus, my thermostat says 74, so, you know, I assumed.  Anyway, just a nice, crisp, cool 87 degree day.  Why am I telling you all this?

I suppose my title is a harbinger of things to come, but I’ll start out by at least trying to play nice. So, last night the remaining contestants were asked to compete in a design triathalon (desathalon?) which was nice in principle because I’m getting tired of this team based nonsense. How will we know who’s capable of carrying a room by themselves if they never have an opportunity to show off individually?

Anyhoo, the first contest was to upholster a chair. Now, I Iove me some chairs, and new upholstery is such an easy way to transform a room, so I actually enjoyed this leg of the competition. Sadly, most of the chairs were dogs, but the winning one by Nathan was pretty super awesome. I wish I could find a picture, but he painted the frame Klein blue and did white fabric with a gold painted pattern. I’d put it in my house any day. Round One: Nathan.

At this point, we already know who’s going to lose by the way the interviews are being conducted. I find that to be annoyingly simplistic, and I want to throw the remote at my tv. But I love my tv, so I don’t. I am also repulsed by Andrea’s bad barrette action, and Hunny Bunny thinks that India Hicks’ accent is fake. He’s sure she’s really from Ohio. I’m starting to love Nathan, because he has trained as a “smokalete.” Maybe I should start smoking?

The second contest was to set a table. I will begrudgingly admit that Eddie’s was pretty nice (I have no love for his snitty attitude and time nazi tic), and Nathan’s was super simple and edgy. The rest were stuffy, frilly and/or overdone. Ondine went for a Lilly Pulitzer look, for goodness sake! What, are we 50 year old WASPS lunching at Martha’s Vineyard? Around this time, I start cursing at Teresa and her inane design mantra of “Zen. Zen. Zen.” No, no, no. Round Two: Nathan.

This is where the show totally jumps the shark. Our brave interior designers are asked to spend $1000 dollars at A GARDEN CENTER and use their finds to decorate a space. WTF??? Predictably, the results are ATROCIOUS. At least Bravo posted some pictures of this leg of the contest. From worst to best (according to moi):

Just look at this cheap display a la Garden Ridge by Preston. Are those topiaries??? Where is the $1000 here? Preston, you’re a hottie, but your design is nottie.

Eddie is so mean to everyone that I don’t feel bad about saying that his space is tacky and unfinished. He decorates like he’s a 60 year old society bitch. Roses? Really? Gross.

I think Andrea’s is better than Eddie’s, so I’m not sure why she’s in the bottom two. At least there are some potential angles in here for a photo spread. Yes, her style is bland, but this space has some depth.

I like Nathan’s color palette here, but the space looks harsh and unfinished — not enough layers. But Nathan is emerging as my favorite.

I didn’t hate on Teresa’s space as much as the judges did. The ragging technique is a little old, but her plant selections blew everyone else’s away. Too bad there’s no hardscaping here… a bunch of plants piled in a corner is never going to look good. Maybe she should design gardens?

I think Wisit’s space could have been great if his color palette had been less Easter egg. And are those mums? And roses? AND orchids? Barf. Sorry — I’m a huge plant snob. Still, I like Wisit when he’s not singing scary opera music.

I actually liked Ondine’s space quite a bit, but this particular color is very green screen, which is an unkind shade photographically (see John McCain for further evidence). But I like the idea of a punchy color in combination with tons of white. And look! Furniture. What a novel idea.

Finally we have Natalie’s space, which looks very polished and layered relative to the other rooms. Still, I was irritated that I slogged through an hour of backbiting and bad design just to see a mundane country vignette. The best part was how Kelly referred to the “trellage story.” Crazytown! Round Three: Natalie.

Actually, Kelly Wearstler is fast becoming the only reason to watch this show. Case in point:

It looks like she went out bar hopping, drank one too many, and then stuck her finger in a light socket. Very Bride of Frankenstein. But at least she’s interesting. So far, the rest of the show is not. We all knew within the first five minutes that Teresa was going home, and where’s the suspense in that? It’s like all the clips and interviews were reverse engineered to support the decision to dump her, and frankly I don’t necessarily think she got a fair shake.

Well, fellow TD viewers, was my analysis spot on or do I need to park the snark? Let me know what you’re thinking.

The polls are closed and Thank You, Thank You everyone for showing up to the debates.  We have collectively been able to come up with bachelor pads that are far more stunning than the sad-sac-panty-keeper-on-ers than the ones on Top Design (and don’t give me no jive talk about budget and time, top designers, you’re supposed to be the very best, hence the television cameras following you around).  The democratic effort here at DC headquarters brings a tear to my eye, and for that, I give several awards.

To Anna from Door 16, I award a lovely crimson satin sheet set for her nomination, the Portland Apartment (also for her funny comment about the (p)anty word, sorry to keep saying it Anna):

yes, this pad is certain to bring the undergarments of an entire generation right down to the well polished floor.

To my East-Coast Buddy, Woodley Park Zoo, I award a stunning black lacquer living room group for pointing my Top Design weary eyes in the direction of Dave’s New Place at AT:

Apparently some looney-toon thought this pad had too many vignettes.  Maybe, but I wouldn’t be scared to shower in that b. pad, so, winner.

The next big winner is our own miss Erin.  Erin wins her very own Fredrick Hart glass booby sculpture for showing us David Netto’s apartment:

Yes, yes, this will do just fine.  Are you taking notes, Top Designers?  If so, I might consider writing about you next week.  But you NEED to study.

And FINALLY, the winner of our gorgeous framed lamborghini poster is Raina the keyboard wielding design goddess from If the Lampshade Fits for her nomination of, not one, but TWO stunning b. pads.  Single gentlemen and TDers alike, observe:

The home of Alexander Verbeek 

and the home of an unnamed manhattan bachelor:

Excellent work everyone.  You have all made  mommy so so proud, I just might give you your own TV show next season.  We’ll see. 

I tossed and turned all night last night, I was just so torn over my Top Design recap:  I owe it to them, they come back every week for it….. oh but the show is so boring and the pictures of the rooms are just going to muck up your pretty pretty blog… well there was that hideous DECOUPAGE wall in the bachelor pad.  Yes, yes I can write about how a team of 3 adults thought it would be appropriate to adorn the walls of a 23-year-old-frat-dude’s apartment with faux archival botany prints then cover them with modge podge.  Oh, but what will I say after that?  And I still REALLY don’t want to post those pictures.

Then, in the crisp clear light of the morning dawn, I realized:  we shall have a compromise.  In the spirit of Top Design, we will be having a smallish (read:  the only prize is the glory that comes with my big ups) contest.  Last nights TD challenge was to decorate a bachelor pad.  So, what say you, can you find me some good bachelor pads?  Link to them in the comments or post them on your own blogs.  I want to see some hot man decor porn.  If you all play nice I’ll do a recap post with the swanky pads.  Winner gets my undying love and a framed lamborghini poster*

I’ll go first:

I’m sure Patrick Bateman killed all his dates so he could stay single forever and rule this apartment.

*not really

Sorry for the day late / 12 dollars short Top Design write up, like I said, Erin and I had art to look at.  But I was sooooo excited to get up yesterday morning to flip on my DVR to watch la TopD and write you all a review A-sap. Like most of you, I LOVE me some project runway, no matter how bad a season or how contrived a designer (I’m talking to you, Suede, current season) I will eat it up with a cliched spoon.  The best season BY FAR was season 2, hands down, no diggety, no doubt.  So when I saw that not one, not two but THREE of my season 2 PR alums were going to be rocking their bossy socks off on schlop design, my heart skipped several beats.  I’m revived and typing now.

Woe is me.  First of, there was not nearly enough SANTINO.  Like SANTINO, I would have liked the show to have been completely about him and for his room to look like this:

well, maybe with a better picture, but you get the point.  That man is one self absorbed mess, you need to feed that people, feed it.  Instead Eddie and the non-de-script entity he was paired with gave him this:

ironically, the only room without a mirror.  And why is the mannequin RIGHT in front of the door frame, you couldn’t even see her if you stood in front of the window.

I spent the last week on my vary hands and knees begging for a big PR reunion orgy / bitch-fest, apparently I must have spit in some orphan’s soup because I pissed off the big guy so much that instead, I got a lesson in how not to use mirrors in a window display, over, and over, and over again.

let’s, ahem, reflect:

Lesson 1.  Do not use mirrors to explain how much Pakistan is in the news or why Andre finally got a chance to be on TV again and only bothered to bring his D game.  I think this dress is a perfect parable for how sad it is to loose your favorite denim outfit

Lesson 2:  Staggered mirrors does not a David Hockney painting make.

Let’s digress a moment:  First, Jeffrey noted that his line was inspired by Blade Runner, which I think is a little passe at this point.  Wasn’t blade Runner sort of the fashion inspiration rage like 5 years ago? I guess he was taping Project Runway then and missed the bus (which is quite different from being thrown UNDER the bus, a common reality show phenom).  BUT even worse, Wisit and Kelly had NO idea what blade runner was.  Blasphamy!  Had they known, they could have made their window look EXACTLY LIKE THIS:

But I’m still not sure if his royal highness Jeffrey would have gotten it, as he *specifically* asked for “clean lines and minimalism, you know, like in Blade Runner”  Ahem, Mr. Sabella:

Jeffrey, meet blade runner, blade runner, meet jeffrey.  That shit ain’t clean or minimal, yo.

Oh my how I’ve strayed, back to mirrors:

Lesson 3:  If you get in your time machine, travel back to 1998 and hold up a school bus of pre-teen girls then combine your stolen bounty with some awkwardly placed mirrors and a framed piece of wallpaper, congratulations, you have the top design. The win goes to Ondine and Natalie, care of sweet pea’s kinda boring design.  But oh, I DO STILL LOVE YOU SWEET PEA.  Promise.

And finally, we have the last, and best, but kinda boring room:

Ok, can we talk about the fact that this room was based on A POEM.  Ahhhhhh!!!  Daniel you are so blissed out I want to pee my pants.  My ears vomited when you read that nonsense about golden sand and black branches and your mother’s biscuits.  How is it that you 1.  Had the best dress by far and 2. The best window?  You are living in a fog created by your own imagined glowing aura.  I guess you didn’t spit in any orphan’s soup this week.

Usually, on design shows, I like to think about what I would do if I were given $2 and a box of macaroni (thanks Eddie for the only funny moment) and, of course, like any self indulgent and deluded designer, I’m sure my idea is superior to any being shown on screen.  This week, however, I knew that there was no way on God’s green earth that I could possibly top the best window display of our time:

Congratulations, Viktor & Rolf, you have the top design.

Final Thoughts:

1.  Episode 3 Mrs. Schroder count = zero.  Great job, um, blondie.

2.  Is argyle a shade of green?  Nathan held up his GREEN color card and said “I have argyle”  did I miss something at the color summet?

3.  Nathan, Wisit, Eddie & Shazia all say they are 30.  Discuss

4.  Kelly wore this:

5.  Jeffery gawked at Wisit’s idea of graffitti and rococo, proclaiming how low end it was. Jefferey, please follow this link:  You’re a dumbass

6. Wisit really would not drop the Rococo thing, it was kinda sad and funny

7. The phrase “threw me under the bus” should be given the You Can’t Do That On Television treatment

8. I’m sorry I don’t have a picture of this, but did anyone notice that Preston’s grass green tie matched Andrea’s green dress at elimination?  That was easily the cutest moment of the show.  Good job, kids.

I have an insanely high capacity for crappy reality television.  Specifically, any reality show in which something is created, designed, made over, or otherwise made prettier by a group of self indulgent “designers” who are then pitted against each other, leading to an inevitable finale anchored by dramatic lighting, threatening music and the sweet, sweet promise of immunity.  Presumably, Top Design would rock my decor-loving life, but instead it is putting me in a zombi-like trance otherwise known as sleep.

This week the “designers” were asked to decorate a bunker (all preempted by Todd showing a kitchy 1950′s build your own bunker for when the bomb comes video.  It was a waste of my time.) Theoretically, we were all to spend the next 50 years in said bunker waiting for death’s sweet release.  Surprisingly, none of the designers chose to outfit their new dwelling with a noose, so as to escape this nonsense:

I don’t even remember this room and I just watched the episode 30 minutes ago.  According to bravo it was decorated by Kerry and Shazia.  Would anyone like to discuss the fabric folded along the bedframes?  It reminds me of those cheap, round wooden decorator tables that are sold at wal-mart and are made for the sole purpose of putting a ruffled tablecloth on.  If it’s sooo ugly that it needs to be covered up, why is it even made?  I understand that with this show they were given these ugly beds, I just HATE draping fabric as a cop-out.  I’m going to call this room hobby-lobby chic.

Next immemorable room:

Ondine and Preston (Erin’s Gay BF) Got in trouble for this room, apparently it was too “real.”  As in, they had THOUGHT OUT WHAT THEY MIGHT DO IN THERE AND DESIGNED THE ROOM TO FULFILL THOSE NEEDS, how dare they?!  Please pack all personal belongings and proceed to a properly decorated bunker immediately:

The winning Bunker designed by she whom shall not be identified as Mrs. Schroder and Eddie.  Look it’s got cows and trees, just like outside!  We’ll forget we’re locked down here for the rest of our natural born lives!

PS. Is that a trash bag at the end of the right sofa?

And the runners up:

Sleepy-town by Nathan and Wisit.  I have to admit that my knee-jerk reaction to this challenge was to cover the walls and ceiling in fabric, so Wisit did tug at my heart strings with his suggestion.  However, I was picturing something a little more along the lines of, oh, I don’t know, something a top designer would produce, something, say, like this:

Yes, I know I posted this last Friday, but you know you loved it and want to see it again.  A+ Philippe Starck, you have the top design.

Trying to end the misery as quickly as possible:

Jennifer and Robert’s losing room, so bad it sent both of them home.  I think it’s really funny that they both threw temper-tantrums and drew a line in the proverbial sand.  ha ha.  babies.

BTW, Bravo, thanks for tipping us off on the ending:  When the designers were shopping Mrs. Schroder got mad at Jennifer and said karma would come back to her, which the producers awkwardly fit in to the production schedule, presumably to make the viewers, retroactively, at the end of the episode, realize that Mrs. S is more than Ricky’s wife, she’s freakin psychic!  Amazing!  Go home Jennifer and Robert!

Last room, promise:

I think it’s the warmest room of the bunch, and I don’t hate that thing on the back wall.  The slipper chair is hurting me a bit, though.  And, like (also psychic!) Todd Oldham predicted, Natalie and Theresa needed to edit, there’s just too much junk in that bunk. 

Digression:  Wouldn’t it have been funny if someone had put a weight-lifting bench and some free weights into their room?  I mean, if you’re really going to be there for 50 years, you don’t want your muscles to atrophy.  A potty would be nice too.  And a mess kit.  I think the judges really missed the mark this time.

Here are some other highlights from the episode (I dug deep)

1. Kelly Wearstler’s outfit was EASILY the most interesting thing on the show last night.  A bit overly dramatic and costumey, but I was still hypnotized by the lovely striped scarf and all those gold brooches.

2. I spy anthropologie’s wallpaper in the designer’s apartment

3. We learned that contestant Natalie!!! has a very sophisticated world view:  apparently, the Chinese are building a transformer that will force us all underground when they seek vengeance for that Hiroshima bomb thingy

4. Jonathan, please stop saying j’adorable.  Your new catch phrase is not.

5. Hanging the models out of a hot air balloon made for a really cute photo shoot.  Wait, that was from the entertaining show that was on last night.

6. I’m sick of team challenges.  

7. I remember where I was the first time I found out that Andrea was Rick Schroder’s wife.  I was reading Elle Decor in my living room with my cat and an ice cold diet coke.  

8. I CAN’T WAIT to watch Jeffrey Sebelia become overly dramatic and serious about the store our designers are making for him next week.  Because, you know, the store is totally real and he has to live with their design.  Forever.

Oh. My. God.  It happened.  Tonight was the apex:  everything that is right with television all came to a catty, designy peak right here in my living room.  PR. TD. ANTM.  Who is waging war against my psyche and trying to send me into overload?  Because this is a design blog, I’m only going to bother you with Top Design.  Erin already did a brazzilliant post, which I encourage you to read.  NOW  (see below).  This show is like an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a train wreck.  And, sadly, there are only a few sad pictures online.  Now, I’ve just recently moved out from under the rock I used to live beneath (read:  I’ve only had cable for 6 months) so I never saw TD1 in it’s entirety but I do remember a hobgob of crappy rooms and piss poor construction, I justified this by limited time and budget, but PR designers bust out some bangin’ stuff under similar conditions so really, there’s no excuse for stuff like this:

could you honestly imagine standing in front of Kelly Wearstler  trying to justify a shadow box filled with peanut butter and beer?  According to Adler:  ”Breaking the rules is fine, but first you have to know the rules”  Truer words were never spoken JA, never.  (frankly, that quote was the highlight of the episode)

Now, for our friends down under (I’m talking to you Raina) who don’t get to cringe in embarrassment from week to week I will summarize another shadow box that I couldn’t find a picture of:  It was filled with apples.  yes, apples.  In my humble opinion, shadow boxes are to be used on four specific occasions:

1. to display something sentimental

2. to display something stunningly beautiful

3. to draw attention to an everyday object that could be considered unconventionally beautiful

4. to start a small fire (my preference)

please note, an apple display did not fit into in any of the above bullet points.

Seriously?  These kids are the best of the best?  They all cried like a bunch of babies when given a budget of $2,000.  I thought, $2,000 + craigslist = my dream home.  There were a couple of small glimpses of brilliance (by comparison) but otherwise I was unimpressed, and, therefore, totally ready to snarkily enjoy the next few weeks.  My head is spinning.  

More disasters:

a shadow box with (oh la la) a new years theme.  

world’s ugliest bedroom.  If I had a worst enemy, I would rescue them from this room.

how much pee do you think is on this sad couch?  Don’t you just love how it’s disproportionately paired with the original work of “art”?

To summarize, here are my love / hates:

Eddie:  emerges from the pack with his adorable traveling butlers pantry.  

India: familial coat tails?  Should I know her?  This really could be a me problem, educate me.

Preston:  You ain’t foolin me with that first year art school shadow box.  Save the sad stories about personal tragedy for the kleenex endorsement you’ll get after the show ends.

Jonathan: Wise and true

Natalie: b’bye nat I give you 2 more episodes, MAX

Santino:  SANTINO!!!!!  I can’t wait!!!  I want to decorate a room for you, I promise to use Santino-face wallpaper just like you would want

Andrea:  how many times did you put your hubbie’s name on your application miss “i’m going to make it on my own terms?”

Serge: It really wasn’t your time to go, even with the crappy shadow box

Wisit: ixnay on the ingingsay.

The rest: no solid opinion.  

Stay tuned, so much more to come all season long

PS. remember to read erin’s post, below.  I love her!